I am marginally better from my low which really peaked on Christmas day. (can a low peak? ha!) The day after I wrote the piece I link to (the 25th) I continued to barely function. After administering an emergency .25 mg of Klonopin and finding that it basically made me OD, (I was drugged into a stupor, which is very strange given I’ve taken up to 6 mg a day at one time—there is a puzzling reality about these drugs for many of us—that we discover when we withdraw—we become extremely sensitive to them and often times, many other chemicals in the environment and foods as well) Anyway, by the day after Christmas I wasn’t quite as sick. I resumed taking 2 mg of Klonopin at bedtime, up from the 1.8 mg that I was at for only 2 days which led to the really ugly few days. My withdrawal had gone to fast even with 5% cuts.
A friend who has successfully withdrawn from benzos now (and it took her several years) suggested I not cut more than 1%. And so the next time I cut I will heed her advice. I did manage to do the first 1 mg of the 3 mg I needed to come off quickly and easily in .25 mg increments, which led me to believe I could get away with what I tried. Basically we need to reassess over and over again in this process.
I’ve been on the 2 mg now since the night of the 25th. Slowly but surely I am a bit better. Nauseous less frequently and able to sustain a bit more concentration on the internet or a book or a DVD.
All things being relative though, this is what I did today. I am by no means well.
I went to my favorite low-cost clearance supermarket. Virtually everything in it is organic and some of it is stuff that will expire soon so it’s slashed by at least 50% and sometimes even more. I buy tons of stuff there. The produce is fresh and so are other key items like milk, eggs and yogurt. Though again it’s all at at least 50% less than if you went to a regular health food store.
When I go I load my cart with my favorite staples. Plain yogurt, eggs, grass fed meats, boxes of organic chicken and vegetable broths that I use as my soup base for all the soup I make in the winter. I get cans of organic soup for quick lunches when I’m too sick to cook as well.
Lots of boxes of herbal teas that I make into a weak solution of ice tea so that I can get my gallon of water in a day with some flavor involved. I make the tea by the gallon and drink one every 24 hours.
There are always delightful treats that aren’t expected as the merchandise is constantly changing. Once I got a huge jar of caviar for $8.99 (we’re talking about 16 oz!) Specialty olives for $1.99. Olive tapenade. Coconut water as a beverage. Pure cranberry juice with no sugar added! This unsweetened cranberry juice generally costs about 8 to 10 bucks in the regular health food store. Today I got three bottles for $2.99 a piece. I use it to spike my water as well. It’s delightfully tart and very high in antioxidants and no sugar!!
This is my favorite place to shop—an organic food lovers paradise.
Anyway, in spite of loving to shop there I ventured forth today with great hesitation. I felt pretty damn sick, but I was also in one of my damn it all moods in which I say “I’m not going to stay trapped in this damn house anymore!” So I went out. Still very sick, but able to stand upright for the first time in days.
I made it through the market and to the check out stand and as I stood there I knew I could not continue. I’d run out of steam. The line was long and I was too sick to continue standing—weakness and nausea were beginning to overcome. I could call my husband to come purchase the items while I sat in the car….or, I could sit down against the wall that was to the side of the check out stand.
That is what I did. I sat. On the floor. With my groceries standing in line for me. There was actually only one person in front of me but she had a ton of stuff, and while the guy checking her out is a really nice guy I’ve run into before, he also happens to be the slowest checker I’ve ever encountered anywhere. So I was on that floor a good ten minutes. The thing is I needed to be on that floor. I needed to rest before I could get back in the car and drive home.
The guy at the counter looked down at me and joked, “Am I too slow or are you tired?” I responded, “no, I’m really sick. I’m going to need someone to help me bring the groceries out.” He asked me if I needed a drink or anything else. I said I had already helped myself to a water from their cooler which I had in my hand.
I sat there and as the lady ahead of me got ready to leave I heard over the intercom, “Would the person driving a blue Honda Accord please move your car—we need to get to the dumpster you are parked nearby.” I stood up without thinking and said out loud, “Fuck, that’s me.” Yeah, I even have a potty mouth out in public when I’m not feeling well! (I can control it in most circumstances when I want to!! At least when I’m well—I was a professional for many years!) The checker, whose name at this point I discovered was Steve, stopped me and said, give me your keys I’ll get my assistant to move it for you. And so I did. He ran all my items through the check out process and then asked someone to replace him and walked me out himself and loaded all the groceries in my car.
I gave him a hug goodbye.
Small things can still make me happy. There are good people in this world.
One of my favorite things to do these days is interact with people behind the counter of stores I go to because they are almost the only people I see since if I feel well enough I do try to run errands in order to spare Daniel from doing everything around the house. Also since I feel improvement so sporadically I’ve given up seeing most of my friends as they don’t tend to be free at the last minute which is all I can manage. And so grocery shopping is actually one of the great pleasures in my life. Really. Oh my.
I miss people, but can get joy from even small interactions in public. Thank you Steve the check out guy!
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