These are the status updates and tweets since my trip began in chronological order. I’m swamped and don’t have time to do anything more formal. At some point I will because so much more is happening than what I’m able to share in these limited reflections.
August 18. (while flying) The amount of stimulation among a mass of humanity in the airport and now on this plane is really over-whelming. (I’m mid-flight right now) It’s wild. I’m literally having a rebirth experience in a public setting and having to be quiet and act normal…fucking insane. I’ve not traveled in over a decade and been mostly homebound. I’d like to be curled up on the floor sobbing but that’s not an option.
August 19 I am in boston…they lost my luggage and the cab dropped me off at the wrong address in the middle of a city I don’t know…big misadventure. I had to cancel my presentation because without out my luggage and none of my self-care articles I went into a massive auto-immune flare. I also may be stuck in boston indefinitely because I am not well enough to travel and I don’t know how long that will last…
life: it’s a wild trip. And I’m okay with that.
yup…it’s been a nightmare but now I’m enjoying the insanity…not worth staying in dismay about it…
my body is genius…of this I have no doubt
August 19. I’m doing very well…sick as hell but HAPPY too. ha ha…such is my life.
My body is always a big challenge…I’M THRILLED TO BE IN A NEW PLACE!! all is good.
Although, yes, initially, I had to process some devastation about not being able to do the presentation…now, I’m good…life is amazing…this body is amazing.
getting SO much support here. I seem to know more people in Boston than I do in Asheville…seriously…people are coming out of the woodwork helping me and offering assistance. I now have a place to stay at a friends for a week while she is out of town!! Amazing…beautiful and perfect. I am loved!!
August 20. If you find you cannot manage to avoid it, drama is ok. Simply pay attention while you’re in it. Fact is the dual plane is one of unavoidable drama. Dual plane of existence necessitates drama. May get more and more subtle with growing awareness, but that doesn’t mean it’s less significant.
August 22. This is how I sleep now in order to manage the edema which is out of control as a result of the flight. Pull the blankets right on over me…
August 23. I’m stuck in Boston which is actually fun…if I’m gonna be physically challenged anyway, might as well do it in a new place.
really happy to be somewhere other than Asheville…the new energies floating in the urban air are really good for my brain.
as much as I love nature with a passion and need to be around it too on a regular basis I am also very much a city girl and I’m loving it.
I am the full spectrum!
I felt like I was back in my apartment over market St. in SF last night. Noisy street traffic was soothing. I loved that apartment. Healing takes on many weird forms. And revisiting my history in whatever way my body can manage seems to be part of that.
August 23. The universe/nature/life force strike me as both fundamentally benevolent and amoral. Another wondrous paradox that holds the mystery.
August 25. My body can be a very scary place. The injured traumatized child is running the show…in order to heal…I need to let her do that…the traumatized (deeply embodied child ) needs my trust to heal…she also needs me to parent her some and calm her the fuck down from time to time
the healing process is a razors edge…sometimes she starts to spin out of control. My adult isn’t always good at separating from her terror. We’re working on it.
Chronic illness is the traumatized child writ large upon the body screaming for attention. I am listening.
The traumatized self, in paradox, holds within it the highest functioning self. It’s clear I cannot be healthy without heeding the child.
August 26. So some crazy shit has gone down since I got to Boston. First I got stuck here because of weird body stuff that won’t let me fly home.
Then a good friend left town and let me stay in her wonderful, comfortable, very private apartment at no cost.
Then I found out my brother’s ashes are buried here with his mom’s (She died when he was 3, we grew up together from day 1. He’s my brother)
I didn’t know where he was buried because his funeral was in CA and I was too sick to go to the ash burial 2 years later)
BUT!! not only is he buried here, he’s actually in Medford (not Boston proper) AND Medford is actually where I’m staying at my friends house. Given that I’m on foot or bike this was an incredible reality because it was easy for me to go to the cemetery and hang out on his grave.
NOW…not only all of this, but his son, my nephew, is in college here in Boston — I didn’t know that either.
I’m estranged from most of my family because no one really believed or understood I was on death’s door for many years. This sort of familial estrangement is typical with these sorts of pharmaceutical brain injuries. Since the medical establishment denies us…It’s very easy for most people to be dismissed as simply “the crazy” one in the family. We’re fucked in so many ways when this happens.
In any case, my brother (and mother, too, really) were the only ones who believed me and loved me and understood me. His kids grew up in the meantime.
I am meeting my nephew for the first time in 10 years tomorrow. He was 9 years old last time I spent time with him. We are going to visit his father’s grave tomorrow.This is a mythical journey and my body/mind placed me here knowing exactly what it was doing.
Lots and lots more is happening but I don’t have the wherewithal to report on it now. I’ve hardly been online because there is too much to do and I don’t have mobile access either. Life has taken some radical surprising turns.
I’m being blown away…it’s like the psychosis is now my reality…and it’s all very very real, tangible and provable!!
Got to hang out with Bob Whitaker too! (he happens to be one of the kindest human beings on the planet…has been helping me out in big ways.)
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