This isn’t a story in the usual sense. this is about what is happening in my body and how it affects everything else. It is what is happening.
It feels like my brain is literally being physically and structurally transformed. Because of the nervous system injuries this repair has taken many years and it’s actually excruciatingly painful at times.
It’s crazy painful –nonetheless, I’ve learned to surrender into it, though how gracefully this is accomplished varies a lot. There are many indications that I’m doing well…and yet it continues to be a radical and fringe individuation and integration process that repeatedly wrecks me physically and emotionally and spiritually, all. Waking up involves multiple deaths if we trust any of the sages of all mystical traditions. Ego death is just part of the process and sometimes the body is literally challenged that way too. Death, in fact, no longer scares me at all. I am being made fearless. With a trashed nervous system that is in fear mode by default, fearlessness becomes a strange byproduct of years of hyper-vigilance accompanied by mindfulness..
Things are going relatively smoothly considering what I’ve come through. I am not sure how it’s going to proceed but it’s definitely fascinating, often exciting and always extraordinarily challenging if also heinously ugly as well. Life is always a mixture of everything in any case.
As the process happens I get corresponding insights about the nature of reality. I suppose that’s the best part but it’s bizarre isolating process too– all of it.
End of little story.
Rather than looking for your “tribe” recognize tribe in everyone who comes before you. We are humanity. We are family. Let us remember.
About community — “It’s about learning how to live with people most of whom you would never choose as friends.” and so it is. Organic community must be like this. We need to get real and open our hearts
” I don’t know what to do with myself. I guess I’ll be a life coach.” Nothing like somebody who couldn’t figure out what to do with themselves coaching others on how to deal with not knowing what to do with themself.
Come to know the inner asshole. We all have one and if we don’t come to intimately know and understand how the asshole became wounded we will hurt others from that place and we will do it with great confidence that we are acting appropriately. Yes, come to know the inner asshole.
What we do as a society currently is Project our inner assholes outward so completely that we create categories of evil people become receptacles for our projections thus becoming trapped in behavior that we are actually complicit with. Yes sit with that for a little while.
Watch yourself reject this idea. Watch yourself get uncomfortable and defensive. Sit with those feelings too.
When we finally come to see that within us we hold everything including the people who hurt us, it becomes possible to see that forgiveness is actually a moot point. Understand that we hold the perpetrator within and all is instantaneously forgiven. No blame.
If I’m asking “why?” I might as well ask “why not?” too.
When people trigger us they may not be dangerous/nasty/whatever – it may simply mean that we are afraid…When we are fearless we see that no one is inherently dangerous/nasty/violent whatever…
Like it or not, it’s only in my woundedness that I know the things I know. In the process of deep acceptance — clarity comes.