Their trauma is not an excuse to be a shitty person to you. Really?


Actually it kind of is. Certain kinds of trauma hack the nervous system in such a way that drama ensues even in light of awareness. Then it’s just your job to steer clear with great compassion and love in your heart.

People who treat others badly because of their own trauma do need to become aware and avoid situations where they act like assholes until they better understand and are able to not behave in that way. We can help them by making clear boundaries while minimizing our judgments.

And of course, as always people point outward to others when speaking about bad behavior. I’m going to own the fact that I, too, have, indeed, acted badly as a result of having an out of control nervous system. I’ve learned to manage this by not putting myself into situations that overburden my nervous system as often as possible and slowly feeling into the pain of situations that trigger my past trauma. I slowly desensitize in this way.  My “bad behavior” has been largely minimized that way. Mostly only my husband sees it on occasion now, though I know that under the right (or wrong) circumstances I could have a more public display of bad behavior. I watch and learn and hold myself with compassion as my body learns to hold all of it without reactivity. It’s happening. Becoming aware and owning what is happening goes a long way.

When we watch with awareness  what happens after we get triggered we sometimes find what I’ve called a “trauma flow.”  —   Mindfulness in trauma flow


Posts on trauma and PTS

and various thoughts on perpetrators and victims (we all contain both)


AND yes, I could use some compensation for the many 100s of hours I’ve worked with folks over the years. Working like we do and not getting any sort of compensation that I might live more comfortably in the face of continued challenges continues to teach us what we’ve learned from psychiatry. We must not be worth it. Let’s change that patterning. If I helped you or a loved one out, please help me back now. thank you.

****We could  use some financial support at the moment! You know, for things like the mortgage so that we can maintain a roof over our heads. Yup. I do this all for no other compensation than  what the readers want to offer in support. Thank you!****

For a multitude of ideas about how to create a life filled with safe alternatives to psychiatric drugs visit the drop-down menus at the top of this page. 

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8 thoughts on “Their trauma is not an excuse to be a shitty person to you. Really?

  1. Its not an excuse. If someone is correcting your bad behavior due to trauma instead of simply ostracizing you and cutting you from their life it means that they clearly have compassion and empathy for you but need your respect. The idea that being traumatized gives you a free pass to continue the cycle of abuse is delusional.


    1. sure. no disagreement. both things are true…it’s a reason…excuse, reason…that part is tomato/tomahto…people are the way they are for good reason…and everyone deserves love and acceptance (that doesn’t mean that all behavior is approved of however) we all need to be called to accountability and we all want to be…accountablity can only happen in acceptance. This is tricky to understand perhaps but when we realize that we did not live their life, we can only bow in honor of how difficult it was. No one needs to put themselves in harms way and that too is another paradox that allows multiple seeming conflicting things to coexist. We dance a fine line when we’re finding love and integrity…LOVE can also look fierce, mind you.


  2. Thank you for writing this. It’s good to be reminded to come back to a position of compassion and love and also self compassion. I find it hard to hold my own trauma and that is why I can act out too. I am much better these days, when I didn’t have recovery though I was constantly acting out the shame of my trauma. It saddens me.


  3. I think this depends on the individual situation. If a person is in that “raw” stage they are more likely to act badly. Years later, we hope it will only be occasional. For instance, after I was abused in a hospital my speech became rapid and what “they” call “pressured.” This alone caused me to lose pretty much all my friends. I had to consciously slow it down once I realized what was happening.

    I am grateful to those who pointed it out to me. I am not grateful that they still won’t speak to me and wrecked my reputation by calling me mental illness names.


  4. Thank you for writing this. Not many understand my need to minimize certain situations to avoid bad behavior on my part. Mostly its just my husband who sees mine now and thankfully he has endless love and patience. In the early stages it was scary to even go shopping. Now I just avoid medical people and family.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. your welcome. speaking it and getting feedback from those who get it is also my medicine. I too need the validation. So thank you, too. Much love to you. We are doing this!


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