The term codependency as it is commonly used is problematic. We are a species that relies on and survives because of interdependence on one another. In a relationship with two people stripped away from the extended family codependency is absolutely normal and healthy. The issue is awareness. Are we aware of how we impact one another? We all have needs and sometimes one partner has far greater needs than the other. This does not make for an inherently unhealthy relationship. It is a reality that these things happen. Awareness makes the difference and both partners need to be aware and willing to grow and come to new and deeper understandings together.
I have no interest in being in a relathionship that doesn’t have HEALTHY codependence. Partnership is about helping one another out. Everyone has rough patches in every relationship. If one is not aware they might throw away something good.
Making codependence a pathologizing term suggests difficult situations cannot be transformed while they often can. When they cannot be changed or are dangerously destructive we should move along as necessary. It does seem however that a lot of people don’t really understand the nature of commitment which is always hard for everyone some of the time no matter how good the relationship is.
Blanket discard culture is not healthy and there seems to often be a move for abandoning all difficult relationships in a lot of circles these days. When we go through rough patches together and grow we find the fruits of commitment. That sometimes simply takes faith!
This is an excellent point! I have seen the same throw away mentality and people not able to step up and give. It makes life very sterile and shameful as I have experienced. Sterile as in acting from a contrived rigid playbook and shameful because when we don’t recognize that needs may vacillate, we can’t be empathetic and the other person may feel there is something wrong with them for needing help or being considered in a different way because of circumstances…
In my previous occupation (now retired) as therapist the treatment for codependency was boundary building. Many clients were downright relieved when they learned that their perpetual state of anxiety, confusion and exhaustion actually had a name! Leaving the difficult relationship was o ly the very last resort.
good point! boundaries are everything and that is what makes all relationships healthy.
Thank you for this! I recently discovered that I and my (now ex) partner are codependent. I’ve been going to CoDA meetings and while it’s been helpful, I’m not sure I 100% understand the mine bee tween a healthy, interdependent relationship and a codependent relationship. Like where do compromise and sacrifice fit in? Codependence is putting other peoples okayness before my own, but isn’t that necessary sometimes? If we leave every relationship just because it’s hard for a little while, doesn’t that make for a lot of dead relationships?
right…exactly what I’m talking about…the line isn’t clear and absolutely, when we love people sometimes they need more than we do and we step up to the plate.Other times it’s the other way around in a good partnership. the line is always arbitrary and ultimately very personal.