A Portrait of Poly Psychopharmacology

Recap: 6 drugs 6 years of withdrawal…before that 39 drugs total: A Portrait of Poly Psychopharmacology. ~~ You think maybe something wasn’t quite right? This journey started the summer of 1985 and is about to end in the next couple of months. I have been withdrawing the past 6 years.

Nothing ever did “work” and in retrospect much made me worse, hence the withdrawal process that began six years ago of which I am at the tail end.

The reason it didn’t work is because after a dalliance with entheogens that induced altered states that led to hospitalization, what I really needed to do was deal with the traumas my life had brought me. The psychiatric system didn’t bother asking me anything about my history.

Once I started on drugs the issues became drug induced symptoms. Iatrogenic pharmaceutical injuries that include a wild array of manifestations. See: Symptoms of Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal

The psychiatric diagnosis, given as a life sentence never really had much credibility. 

In fact all diagnosis are like this. Everyone has unique stories that create unique tensions that sometimes manifest in ways that get labeled by psychiatry. It doesn’t make labeling people a good idea. It obfuscates the individual entirely. Treatment is like a hammer to a nail.

Many times on the “trials” of these drugs I went through periods of at least two weeks (my doctor always told me to stick it out as the side-effects might pass) in which I suffered immeasurably. They generally didn’t pass, but sometimes I got used to them, sort of like the proverbial toad in water.

The cocktail I ended up after much experimentation left me the least twisted, but grossly twisted nonetheless.

In retrospect it’s easy to see how one drug led to the next.

The “mood-stabilizers” which left me depressed led to the antidepressants which left me with insomnia and agitation which led to the benzos for sleep. They still didn’t get rid of the agitation which led me to the antipsychotics (which made everything worse and in fact my doc kept adding Risperdal milligram by milligram until I was on 11 mg for my akathesia which I now know is CAUSED by the Risperdal—he was treating my symptom with the drug that was causing the symptom!! No joke.) My akathisia ceased when I finally got off the Risperdal. We always called it “anxiety.” What crap.

All that left me so sedated, the next step was the stimulants.

The dependency on benzos left me in tolerance withdrawal which increased the anxiety and thus led to more benzos. Unfortunately I’ve learned this happens to way too many people, some of whom never even realize it. Drugs leading to more drugs leading to more drugs. And once in the trap it’s almost impossible to see clearly. To realize what is going on is difficult and perhaps sometimes impossible.

Now I’m virtually done with my withdrawal of the final cocktail of 6 meds that I was on for about 10 years after messing around with many others and my psychiatric symptoms are all gone except for irritability which I have gleaned now is most assuredly a withdrawal issue and not an underlying problem—I’ve been working on the underlying problems all along during this journey—though life remains an underlying problem, doesn’t it?

Being human is challenging and will never cease to be. Let’s stop pathologizing it.

(The above was written in the summer of 2009–I’ve made a few edits to bring us to date, I’m not well so it’s easier to start with a piece that’s been written and add to it. But the immediate above paragraph needs explanation–at the time it was written I thought the withdrawal was going faster and that my withdrawal would be done in the summer. I’ve since become extremely ill and my mood is hardly good as a result. Psychiatric drug withdrawal and the detox that ensues is often protracted.

It’s hell. I can’t leave the house and often can’t leave my room or my bed. I have pain of every imaginable kind. (see symptom list)

Hence, I’m not happy. No. It sucks….I’ve got off 6 drugs in 6 years and the last 3 years have been downhill, the last 6 months I could not have conceived of before living them. I can hope I get better sooner than some people since I didn’t cold-turkey, but it certainly begs the question if slower is better. Though I personally can’t go faster and know I’ve done the right thing for me as horrible as it’s been.

I will share two brief paragraphs from emails from a friend who has gone before me and made it. She was sharing her situation to help me through mine.

To make you feel better, I’ll give you an idea of how bad things were. (Don’t read unless you want some gory details.) For three years I suffered from an irregular heartbeat, a resting pulse anywhere from 120 to 200 beats per minute, a paralyzed bladder (off and on, and I had to catheterize myself to pee), kidneys that didn’t work, glucose intolerance (it’s gone now), and at one point, complete loss of language skills. My eyes were swollen nearly shut, too.

I vomited blood, my hair fell out in clumps, I had seizures, I couldn’t walk in a straight line, my skin peeled like a fruit roll up, etc.

Everyone’s journey is unique and we don’t seem to all recover entirely after such gross injuries. It can be said that everyone does improve however. Healing is available.

and:

I’m about 85% recovered now, and some days, even more. I’m doing great, and am eagerly looking forward to moving away, getting married, having babies, and doing everything I thought I’d never live to do.

I can go on long walks, shopping…you name it. Out of the over 60+ symptoms I had, only 7 or so remain, and as I’m approaching the 18 month free mark, I know that one of these days, the remaining symptoms will disappear. I’m filled with such happiness and joy, and an appreciation for life I never had before.

Certainly that helps me feel like anything is possible and I need to think that now.

How long will I be physically disabled due to this detox, I don’t know. It’s frightening and humbling and as of now I don’t recommend anyone do this unless they have a lot of support. I could not have made it by myself for example. I’m completely dependent on my husband now and cannot take care of myself. While it certainly does not come to this for many and even most people, it can and it does for some.

I linked to this article about Benzo withdrawal a while back and will do it again now.

Here we see people coming off ONLY benzos who become disabled. They have a hell of a time. God knows what all these drugs have done to me.

In order roughly by class (class is a bit subject to interpretation as so much of this stuff is used off label, especially when it was given to me):

poly psychopharmacology on steroids…the doctor was not well…

6 drugs 6 years of withdrawal

Mood Stabilizers:

• 1. Lithium
• 2. Tegretol
• 3. Depakote
• 4. Trileptal
• 5. Topomax
• 6. Lamictal
• 7. Neurontin

Neuroleptics (antipsychotics—which is a bullshit term—these are chemical straight-jackets they don’t stop psychosis they just stop brain function in general)

• 8. Haldol
• 9. Prolixin
• 10. Mellaril
• 11. Thorazine
• 12. Risperdal
• 13. Seroquel
• 14. Geodon
• 15. Abilify
• 16. Zyprexa

Antidepressants:

• 17. Imipramine
• 18. Desipramine
• 19. Prozac
• 20. Wellbutrin
• 21. Zoloft
• 22. Effexor
• 23. Reboxitine (yes, I had it shipped from Europe as it was not approved here)
• 24. Paxil
• 25. Lexapro

Anti-anxiety agents:

• 26. Gabatril
• 27. Ativan
• 28. Xanax
• 29. Klonopin
• 30. Valium
• 31. Visteral

Sleep Aids:

• 32. Restoril
• 33. Ambien
• 34. Sinequan
• 35. Trazadone

Stimulants:

• 36. Ritalin
• 37. Concerta
• 38. Provigil
• 39. Strattera

Most likely by the end of February or early March, I will be drug free after a six-year battle of withdrawing from long-term use of 6 drugs at 2 to 4 times the usual maximum therapeutic doses.

It can’t be soon enough. I’ve thought I was at the end a number of times before. This time, it’s likely to be real, as I’m on such a small dose of benzo that the only alternative to getting off in a month or two is complete failure or a reversal of all that I’ve done. THAT, seems more unlikely at this point.

By the way, writing and correspondence remain extremely difficult and sometimes impossible, though I do like hearing from friends if you have my email address.

I’ve been able to keep the blog updated with minimal energy, reposting old stuff as well as other people’s submissions. Will Hall, also continues to contribute as an editor now.

If I continue as I am now the old stuff I’ve been reposting is just about petered out and it’s likely the blog will be updated much less frequently for some time.

**so on Wednesday it’s been a year since I completed the withdrawal. I will share more about what this year has been like and what it has taught me then. ~~ 6 drugs 6 years of withdrawal

More of Monica’s personal journey from the time of this post in 2010 and onward.

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