The doctor seems good so far and I’ll talk more about the nutritional therapy later. I’m just starting it and I have a bunch of blood work to get done today. So really I know nothing right now.
I’m having a crisis of consciousness and am basically a melted-down mess. I’m not sleeping as is the norm the first several days of travel—it gets really intense and awful emotionally when I don’t sleep.
Every time I come to California where I’m from I get distressed to some degree because I don’t want to lived in North Carolina and I miss California so much it hurts. For many reasons living in California is extremely impractical for us now, not least of which my husband’s job that he just got that is all about his life’s work he must be on the east coast for. This dissonance in what I perceive I need and want versus what is practical reality is causing chaos in my brain and making it even harder to relax and sleep. Why it’s reaching crisis point on this particular trip I don’t know, but I guess it’s just because my emotions are on the surface more than ever. I drive around the bay area and cry while looking around, the familiarity of the place I love digging into me.
I’m hoping I settle in soon and start sleeping and everything stops seeming so black and white real soon otherwise I can’t start the taper.
Staying with my friends has been wonderful. I’ve been downright anti-social and everyone is giving me space and making me feel loved and welcomed in spite of my basically checking out and hiding away. Yes, another reason I want to be here. I have no such friends in NC. At least not ones I’m aware of. I don’t feel safe being myself to that degree with anyone I know there.
Oh, because I was so knowledgeable, the doctor was very kind and gave me a book of papers on orthomolecular medicine. It’s pretty awesome and it’s out of print and incredibly useful information. I told him I knew people who would kill for such a book and I think I really do. I started reading it last night. It was really great. It started with a transcript of a hearing in front of a legislature talking about how big pharma was taking over psychiatry. This was in 1980. I wish I was clued in then.