Well, I’ve had a string of good days after basically weeks of real hell. It actually got worse before these last few days where I’ve been able to function a bit. I’ve been out every day for three days and driving myself. For a while there I had to have my husband drive me anywhere I needed to go as it was truly unsafe for me to get behind the wheel. Also for three days I’ve not been in bed all day. I had gotten so weak that it hurt my arms to hold a phone to my head! So I lay in bed limp all day. I lay against a big pillow and put my laptop on my lap (taking the name of the machine literally) and that is how I’ve stayed in touch with the world. The phone was too much. And seeing people was too much—even talking on the phone was too much. Nausea, dizziness and weakness kept me in bed.
The last three days (and today seems like a 4th) I’ve been able to leave the house, drive myself, and visit with friends and/or run errands. It’s been very nice. Yesterday I got high just driving five minutes to get a cup of decaf at a cafe. Something so simple made me so happy. Really happy. I think if I regain my life I will be happier with much simpler things. When you’ve been house and bed bound just being able to drive and walk around a store (instead of letting your husband do it for you) gives you a high.
And “high” does not mean mania. It is actually a subtle and profound joy at the simple beauty in life. That my legs work and carry me to where I want to go. That I can sit with a friend over a meal and listen to her problems instead of think about mine. Joy. My god, I’ve been feeling joy. And I’ve been sleeping well too. This is no mania.
Frankly, I don’t expect it to last. In the last three months since I’ve been profoundly ill I’ve had a day here, or a couple of days there where I wasn’t completely out. So I think it’s probably likely things will slide again. But I’m living in the moment now and this moment is good. That is one thing I’m learning to finally do. For a while there everytime I felt good I couldn’t’ shake the dreaded feeling that feeling like shit was just around the corner. Now I know it may be but I just don’t care.
I am working with my new holistic psychiatrist. It’s possible what she’s already done is making a difference. I don’t know. I hope so because if that is what it is it bodes very well for the future.
So here’s to the future!
And thank you everyone who kept me from completely checking out. I really thought the blog was over. But it’s impossible. My life is dedicated to this path of transformation. Mental health, mine and that of others, has always been my vocation and it’s not ending now.