And life continues

Well, I’ve had a string of good days after basically weeks of real hell. It actually got worse before these last few days where I’ve been able to function a bit. I’ve been out every day for three days and driving myself. For a while there I had to have my husband drive me anywhere I needed to go as it was truly unsafe for me to get behind the wheel. Also for three days I’ve not been in bed all day. I had gotten so weak that it hurt my arms to hold a phone to my head! So I lay in bed limp all day. I lay against a big pillow and put my laptop on my lap (taking the name of the machine literally) and that is how I’ve stayed in touch with the world. The phone was too much. And seeing people was too much—even talking on the phone was too much. Nausea, dizziness and weakness kept me in bed.

The last three days (and today seems like a 4th) I’ve been able to leave the house, drive myself, and visit with friends and/or run errands. It’s been very nice. Yesterday I got high just driving five minutes to get a cup of decaf at a cafe. Something so simple made me so happy. Really happy. I think if I regain my life I will be happier with much simpler things. When you’ve been house and bed bound just being able to drive and walk around a store (instead of letting your husband do it for you) gives you a high.

And “high” does not mean mania. It is actually a subtle and profound joy at the simple beauty in life. That my legs work and carry me to where I want to go. That I can sit with a friend over a meal and listen to her problems instead of think about mine. Joy. My god, I’ve been feeling joy. And I’ve been sleeping well too. This is no mania.

Frankly, I don’t expect it to last. In the last three months since I’ve been profoundly ill I’ve had a day here, or a couple of days there where I wasn’t completely out. So I think it’s probably likely things will slide again. But I’m living in the moment now and this moment is good. That is one thing I’m learning to finally do. For a while there everytime I felt good I couldn’t’ shake the dreaded feeling that feeling like shit was just around the corner. Now I know it may be but I just don’t care.

I am working with my new holistic psychiatrist. It’s possible what she’s already done is making a difference. I don’t know. I hope so because if that is what it is it bodes very well for the future.

So here’s to the future!

And thank you everyone who kept me from completely checking out. I really thought the blog was over. But it’s impossible. My life is dedicated to this path of transformation. Mental health, mine and that of others, has always been my vocation and it’s not ending now.

11 thoughts on “And life continues

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  1. Good for you. My friends taught me that this too, shall pass. Problems and moods pass with time. I’ve learned to roll with the punches of my bipolar. Some days, I just lie around all day. Other days I’m full of mental and physical energy. I’ve learned to accept my moods. Over all I get a lot accomplished. I just built up to doing 100 sit-ups in two minutes–when only 50 are required for the Navy Seals. A few days ago I gave a number of talks on the Universe and Mars. I applied to give a presentation at a state science teacher’s convention. Currently, I’m designing a $10 million science museum. Also, in a few weeks I will have 34 years sober in AA. Then I ‘ll be flying to Colorado to hike. I remember when I was just able to sit in a chair every hour of every day.

    But, sooner or later, I’ll have a few days or weeks of just sitting, resting my body and brain. I know that some medicine may be able to make me level out and be dull, but I like my life as it is.
    Jim S

  2. I too have my good days and my crummy ones. Then before I know it something has changed-I get distracted, maybe a walk outside, a sweet letter I just got, a phone call or my kitty coming over for a head rub. My train of thought is changed-when I was wondering how I could handle this emptiness and then–poof–it’s gone.
    It’s the little things that matter. Life is made of so many little events.
    There is a rainbow just nearby.

  3. wish I was better…this is a day by day journey…felt good for a few days…but the destruction wrought by the drugs will take more time to heal…

    I’m back to feeling like I can’t move…hoping I’m trending towards getting better but not sure yet…

    thanks for all the good wishes.

  4. Gianna,
    I’m so glad for you. I’ve been reading a number of books that suggest that positive emotions can truly change your body chemistry. So perhaps, you’ll be the one person who feels well for an extended period…not just a matter of days.

    And I’m delighted you’re continuing to write your blog!


  5. I’m so glad you’ve had some good days! We need good days to give us hope and to help us keep pushing for something better. I hope your string of good days continues, and that your new doctor is able to help you.


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