And yet these are some of the most despairing times I’ve had as well.
I’ve gotten off 5 drugs. I’m down to 5 mg of Lamictal (from 400mg) and I’ve got the 3 mg of Klonopin to go. I should be off the Lamictal in a few days.
Every night when I take the Klonopin I get toxic. I start to go downhill within an hour or two. I awake feeling miserable. The misery starts to lift about 3 hours after waking. Most of the time that just means I can have normal conversations again but I’m still stuck in bed. On good days I can get out and function. All days by evening I’m emotionally clear and present until I take the Klonopin again.
I’m coming off the Lamictal fast. 2.5 mg every few days. It’s gone toxic on me too. I get painfully nauseous from it and when I cut 2.5 mg the nausea remits for a few days. When it comes back I cut it down again. The trick is that I’m still suffering from withdrawal in other ways. Most distinctly the dibilitating fatigue. So I’m in double-edged sword land. The drugs are making me sick but the withdrawal is also making me sick. The trick is walking both edges of the sword and not losing it like I did with the good doc I was seeing for a bit.
But at this point even my ultra-conservative, always taper slow consultant sees my need to speed it up. She is in reality a pragmatist and teaches what works best for the largest percentage of people and also what is safest when she speaks in general in the email group. But now I no longer fit in that category—and dealing with my individual dilemma is necessary.
I was actually much sicker after I got back from CA in January. But at that point the degree of debilitation was new and so I didn’t actually despair as much. Or maybe I did, but now I’m just sick of it. And the end is so near and I’ve just lost patience. I remember nights when I was in my cottage alone wailing to the universe. The doc that “failed” me during my crisis saved my butt at that time. Her nutritional regimen has been priceless and continues to be. I still sleep like a baby. Something I was not doing then.
Now I’m actually quite optimistic while also being twisted with despair. Every night when I finally am feeling pretty good I have to take the poison which makes me feel so sick again. Can you imagine purposefully taking a substance that makes you horribly ill, because if you don’t in a few days you’ll even be worse off?? It’s as horrible mind-fuck and I’m trapped in it for now.
And I’m being reminded that there are so many people taking these drugs as I did for 20 years thinking they are helping them. I get so angry when I read the preponderance of psych propaganda spewing how necessary meds are for all cases of anything that causes mental distress and anguish. I know so many recovered people. People free of meds who chose alternatives—all sorts of different alternatives who do so much better than most of the people I know on meds.
I frankly don’t know if meds are ever really necessary. It doesn’t matter to me. All I know is they are often NOT necessary when they are crammed down our throats and no option is given and what’s worse they often make the situation worse and people are made to believe it’s their disease. That is criminal. I get angry at night. My mood changes when I take the Klonopin. I get labile. When it leaves my system I am again calm and neutral. How very ironic and disgusting that it is their poison that puts me in a state of mind that would have them give me more. Oh yeah, I rage.
I’ve been writing under the influence of Klonopin lately. All these rants I write are after I’ve taken my Klonopin and the side effects kick in. Wickedly ironic, isn’t it? I promise I’ll try to write something when I’m not all agitated and angry on this shit so you can see I’m very sane during the day…but unfortunately I’m usually too tired and physically sick and and so I kinda just don’t give a shit once it’s left my system. I just want to rest and not think about all this. And that is what I do. So you’ve been gifted with several rants lately as a side effect of the crap I’m trying to get off of. I’m sorry.
Oh…I really have nothing new to say. I just have to get off this drug and maybe you won’t hear from me much until it’s over. I’m so done with this phase emotionally.
In fact it might be good not to hear from me anymore until it’s over. Maybe I’ll post this or that news item or inspirational piece, but I really think I need to be done with this day to day reporting for a while.
We’ll see. I’ve said this many times before. But really, I just want to have something different to say when it comes to this part of my journey. Like, hey! It’s over. I’m off drugs and this is what is happening now…because it certainly should be something different by then. I expect I will be sick for a while, but I also expect that there will be exciting emotional and spiritual and hopefully physical and cognitive improvements. And I suppose we might imagine it might be a few months away.
So I might not be saying as much. Or maybe I will. But don’t expect anything for a while, okay? I’m almost there and I just feel like I’m rehashing shit at this point. I’ll check in with you at some point to let you know how the Klonopin withdrawal is going. And like I said, maybe I’ll post other stuff of interest…but I’m tired so damn tired and it’s getting harder to find stuff.