I’ve been dying to write this post all day. Whether I post it or not will remain to be seen.
Today again I’ve been profoundly ill. I got up and had to go back to bed with nausea and pain for 3 hours. It’s 3 pm now and I’m again barely functioning. My main emotion is rage.
I am fucking pissed off that I’m this sick. I do not accept it gracefully. The years I worked in hospice is the only time I’ve encountered people as sick as I am. Yeah. It’s true. No exaggeration.
So my lack of grace and acceptance is a problem. I get that. And I’m working on it.
I’m also feeling frustrated in that I really can’t read a lot of mental health blogs anymore. For my protection. I certainly can’t respond to a lot of them if people want me to be honest. I must stay silent. I read about numerous people, sick as hell on their drugs, while they faithfully keep taking them.
Today this is making me feel enraged. It doesn’t make me enraged every day, but today it is. I just want to scream when I see people who have access to the information that I never had 20 years ago which could have saved me from this life and this particular experience of withdrawal. As soon as I got the info I acted on it. But for me, in some ways, it was too late—I’d been poisoned already for two decades—this healing process will continue to take a long time.
It’s not too late for so many young bloggers and readers of these blogs out there to change the path of destruction they’re on and yet even while giving lip service to the evil drugs they continue somehow blind to what is in front of their faces here and at a number of other blogs and resources all over the web—drugs will in the long run fuck you up. Nope, it’s easier to keep on popping pills and handing over your power to other people.
It’s one thing if you’re poppiing pills and doing just fine, being productive and healthy, but the fact is most of the people happily taking pills are NOT fine.They’re suffering profoundly, often while blaming the pills but they don’t fucking stop.
I. Don’t. Get. It. I don’t. I’m sorry.
All things pass, including feeling shitty. This is true even if you’re not on drugs. People too often give the pills magic powers because they start feeling better. Being on pills though, will shorten your life and diminish it’s quality in numerous ways while often giving you additional physical diseases as well as additional psychiatric symptoms. All the while your doctors and then you in turn will rationalize that somehow they are a necessary evil.
I find it sickening. So sorry if I don’t comment when you’re talking in this manner. It’s profoundly triggering and painful for me to watch you do to yourself what I’ve done while having the information to stop if you so choose.
We can take our power back. We can treat ourselves with love and respect and put only good and healthy things in our bodies. Things that heal and make us well. We can trust ourselves rather than doctors who have no idea what our experiences are. We can believe that we will recover in spite of the psychiatric and pharma machine that tells us we will be sick forever.
We can accept that life is suffering sometimes. That is the nature of being human and there are no pills that fix that. We can accept that the nature of being human involves great diversity and we don’t need to be like everyone else.
We can take our power back.
I will put my energy with people who actually want to do that.
This may sound nasty and judgemental. It’s not really. I understand the labyrinth of shit we’re all involved in and on a fundamental level it’s truly fine wherever anyone is on the journey to wellness. Really. In spite of my anger in this moment, I know that is true on a much deeper level. I just can’t spend a lot of time with stuff that triggers me now when I’m trying to get well.
Some of you who are my friends may think I’m dismissing you and I’m not and I’m not cutting you off and I’m not going to stop communicating. But I may not read everything you write and I will certainly continue remaining silent when I cannot fathom where the heck you’re coming from. But we all do that anyway, don’t we? I’m sure you do that to me too.
I just felt I needed to say something. For my own therapeutic benefit.
This is a moment. A moment in the psyche of Gianna. It will pass. But this shit keeps coming up and this time I needed to say something. I’m not into this to be popular. So if I offend someone so be it. If you’re my friend, and you feel this is somehow targeting you, trust that I still love you. I promise I do.
I also may not be referring to you at all!! This rant is very much a generalization and does not fit everyone who chooses to take drugs.
This is not a moment I’m proud of, but I feel I want to share it. It is a recurring theme on this trip I’m on.