A rant and a rave—gotta clear my chest

I’ve been dying to write this post all day. Whether I post it or not will remain to be seen.

Today again I’ve been profoundly ill. I got up and had to go back to bed with nausea and pain for 3 hours. It’s 3 pm now and I’m again barely functioning. My main emotion is rage.

I am fucking pissed off that I’m this sick. I do not accept it gracefully. The years I worked in hospice is the only time I’ve encountered people as sick as I am. Yeah. It’s true. No exaggeration.

So my lack of grace and acceptance is a problem. I get that. And I’m working on it.

I’m also feeling frustrated in that I really can’t read a lot of mental health blogs anymore. For my protection. I certainly can’t respond to a lot of them if people want me to be honest. I must stay silent. I read about numerous people, sick as hell on their drugs, while they faithfully keep taking them.

Today this is making me feel enraged. It doesn’t make me enraged every day, but today it is. I just want to scream when I see people who have access to the information that I never had 20 years ago which could have saved me from this life and this particular experience of withdrawal. As soon as I got the info I acted on it. But for me, in some ways, it was too late—I’d been poisoned already for two decades—this healing process will continue to take a long time.

It’s not too late for so many young bloggers and readers of these blogs out there to change the path of destruction they’re on and yet even while giving lip service to the evil drugs they continue somehow blind to what is in front of their faces here and at a number of other blogs and resources all over the web—drugs will in the long run fuck you up.  Nope, it’s easier to keep on popping pills and handing over your power to other people.

It’s one thing if you’re poppiing pills and doing just fine, being productive and healthy, but the fact is most of the people happily taking pills are NOT fine.They’re suffering profoundly, often while blaming the pills but they don’t fucking stop.

I. Don’t. Get. It.  I don’t. I’m sorry.

All things pass, including feeling shitty. This is true even if you’re not on drugs. People too often give the pills magic powers because they start feeling better.  Being on pills though, will shorten your life and diminish it’s quality in numerous ways while often giving you additional physical diseases as well as additional psychiatric symptoms. All the while your doctors and then you in turn will rationalize that somehow they are a necessary evil.

I find it sickening. So sorry if I don’t comment when you’re talking in this manner. It’s profoundly triggering and painful for me to watch you do to yourself what I’ve done while having the information to stop if you so choose.

We can take our power back. We can treat ourselves with love and respect and put only good and healthy things in our bodies. Things that heal and make us well. We can trust ourselves rather than doctors who have no idea what our experiences are. We can believe that we will recover in spite of the psychiatric and pharma machine that tells us we will be sick forever.

We can accept that life is suffering sometimes. That is the nature of being human and there are no pills that fix that. We can accept that the nature of being human involves great diversity and we don’t need to be like everyone else.

We can take our power back.

I will put my energy with people who actually want to do that.

This may sound nasty and judgemental. It’s not really. I understand the labyrinth of shit we’re all involved in and on a fundamental level it’s truly fine wherever anyone is on the journey to wellness. Really. In spite of my anger in this moment, I know that is true on a much deeper level. I just can’t spend a lot of time with stuff that triggers me now when I’m trying to get well.

Some of you who are my friends may think I’m dismissing you and I’m not and I’m not cutting you off and I’m not going to stop communicating. But I may not read everything you write and I will certainly continue remaining silent when I cannot fathom where the heck you’re coming from. But we all do that anyway, don’t we? I’m sure you do that to me too.

I just felt I needed to say something. For my own therapeutic benefit.

This is a moment. A moment in the psyche of Gianna. It will pass. But this shit keeps coming up and this time I needed to say something. I’m not into this to be popular. So if I offend someone so be it. If you’re my friend, and you feel this is somehow targeting you, trust that I still love you. I promise I do.

I also may not be referring to you at all!! This rant is very much a generalization and does not fit everyone who chooses to take drugs.

This is not a moment I’m proud of, but I feel I want to share it. It is a recurring theme on this trip I’m on.

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15 thoughts on “A rant and a rave—gotta clear my chest

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  1. I think that sometimes, even after we “get it” we can forget it andget angry at this mad world. However, I think it’s great that even as you are mad as hell and feeling like poop that you can sa write this: “This may sound nasty and judgemental. It’s not really. I understand the labyrinth of shit we’re all involved in and on a fundamental level it’s truly fine wherever anyone is on the journey to wellness. Really. In spite of my anger in this moment, I know that is true on a much deeper level. I just can’t spend a lot of time with stuff that triggers me now when I’m trying to get well.” So your true self has never left you and it seems like ego will not completely take control.

    WHen you are walking in hell you want a way out. Sometimes you are even willing to make a deal with the devil to do it (so to speak). There have been a few times when I have sworn off these toxic meds only to find myself trying a new one because I am suffering so. However, my setup doesn’t allow this to continue as I will either have bad side effects from my sensitive system or come to my senses.

    You are an awesome person and every now and then we need to blow off some steam. Very wise to try and avoid triggers.

    1. Andrew,
      your sensitivity is touching…I keep worrying about this post…but then I think….well, shit…I promised the journey when I started this blog…warts an all…and sometimes I’m not too pleased with my warts.

  2. yeah Roman,
    that is the only reason I feel frustrated…I know how damn hard it is to get out the hole drugs can put us into…and I don’t wish that on anyone…

    doesn’t mean I should be mad at those people…it’s really all about being mad at myself…

    we are all in this together and that is what I really believe…

    all us humans really…in this mess, on this planet, doing our best to figure it all out…whatever our path might be…

  3. I’m glad you posted this. Get it all out! You are right. I have been guilty of taking the pills–full well knowing the risk. The fact is, you seem to sell your soul after being on a continued regimen. Getting it back is harder than repossessing a car.

  4. Truth is relative and ultimately everyone is responsible for and will have to accept the consequences of their choices. We all make poor ones, and we all find our way out…or not.

    Put your energy on your sound choices and let other people find their own way. In the end, everyone has to do this for him/herself.

  5. I’m doing so much better now that I’m back on an antidepressant… and without the zombie effects, yay! My kids have me back…back from a place where I wanted to leave this life. But I know from experience what it’s like to suffer profoundly on these things as well, and what it’s like to slowly come off of them. For me, if I had have continued on that path I wouldn’t be here, without a doubt. I’m hoping this med change will continue to keep me on an even keel. I respect where you’re coming from, Gianna, you’re an amazing person. I however, have to be careful what I take in from your blog, as I feel it undermining my own experience at times. I feel our hearts coming from the same place however, but I don’t believe there is an absolute answer here when it comes to these meds. Now I’m in your bad books for good, I know, but that’s my reality. All the best, coco

  6. Love your blogs-has certainly helped and inspired me the past year””
    I don’t hang around the old gang that was my “psyche buddy group”-can’t stand to see them being “Zombies”. Did run into an old friend last year and she could barely talk from her drug combo. It was sad to see.
    If I’d only had access to info on psyche drug side effects/addiction/withdrawal. My many years on them are a nightmarish foggy memory.

    Here’s to a great new year””

  7. wow. good for you. a nice, healthy release/rant.

    i’m completely on the same page as you. i know the dangers of psychiatric medications and i’ve had dozens of different psychiatrists prescribe numerous medications since my diagnosis of depression at 13. i was suicidal then and it just got worse. when i began heavily researching these medications a few years ago after my bipolar diagnosis, I started my blog. honestly, in hopes of reaching out to parents that were medicating their children. that infuriates me more than anything. my goal has been to open at least one set of eyes, young or old. give them links to information, tell stories, etc…all things their doctors would never utter for reasons we know all too well.

    December 2007 I went off Lamictal and was med-free for almost a year. and then, bam….suicidal thoughts for the first time in a very long time. too broke for acupuncture, i saw an internist for free and walked away with meds. it was heartbreaking, because i know better. but i knew as i walked away with the samples in a bag, it was temporary.

    i know the dangers and yet, sometimes i frighten myself and it’s a catch-22 position. however, i remain in control and know that someday soon, very soon…i will be completely med-free. i will find the energy to exercise, eat even healthier and travel the eastern medicine path which is the only path that truly works for me.

    my point is though…your blog has helped many people, including me and I know it may be frustrating but know there are many people out there that you are helping. i’m sure you know this and i do think it’s healthy to avoid certain entries that trigger you, piss you off 🙂

    you’ve been to hell and back, again and again. your stories and information are inspirational and i just wanted to thank you for them.

  8. Gianna – put your energies and your heart where they will flourish. You know how you found your way to the path you’re on now. Ignoring folks who are not willing to see the truth is not judgemental, it’s survival! Keeping your own counsel and choosing your battles is wisdom.


  9. Coercion complicates matters, absolutely…and it’s why I’m involved in the human rights and civil rights aspects of mental health.

    People like Ray Sanford and many others I’ve come across fight coercion with all their being.

    I volunteer for a human rights organization and I helped one woman figure out how to move out of state so that the forced drugging would come to an end.

    Coercion is the biggest gun the psychiatric establishment has to defeat our spirits and kill our souls.

    Sometimes it’s overt like in the instance you are talking about and other times it’s very covert and people aren’t even aware it’s happening.

  10. I understand your frustrations Gianna, and I do echo them.

    But sometimes, sometimes, people may be forced to be taking both and anti depressant and a mood stablizer against their will because the power of attny demands them to do it, and their hands are tied. But if you have free will… then it’s a diff story.

    Please feel better. I wish I could come by and make lamb casserole with the leftovers for you and Daniel.

  11. Thanks for this “rant and rave”, Gianna! You spoke my mind. I don’t. Get. It. Me neither.

    One of my neighbours in the Danish blogosphere wrote some time ago, that she thought no matter how awakened, “enlightened”, or whatever, she had a right to choose the company she wanted for herself. That she would have to accept others thinking differently from how she is thinking, but that she had no obligation to condone these others’ viewpoints, nor to stick around, putting a good face on it.

    I’ve been dying to write a post like this for some time. You wrote it. You rock!

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