In November and December I started a trend that feels like it’s come to an end. I started posting several times a day even as I began to get sicker and sicker. I think it was a way to feel in control.
In any case I had lots of stored up posts. And now they are all gone. I am getting worse with this Valium crossover, which should hopefully be temporary, but for now I’m living in hell and I didn’t think I could be any worse off then before the beginning of the crossover.
I’m still doing heavy research and talking to various experts as well as people who have done this before me. I have lots of potential ideas but I’m in the middle of a very rough patch. Late night (right now), I’m slightly more lucid but it’s likely things will be slowing down around here on the blog.
I hope I’m wrong. I get my only sense of satisfaction and feeling of value and production in helping educate and support people while also being supported through this blog, so I hope that I will find a way to keep on keeping on even as I struggle to even be fully conscious much of the time. I’ve done it against great odds in the past, so maybe my fear that I can’t continue now is just that…a fear.
One thing that has happened in the last 48 hours or so is that nothing interesting has shown up in my dozens of email groups and google news alerts and so it maybe as simple as once again hitting on some cool stuff as I’m still following my email.
I also shouldn’t have a problem answering urgent comments here on the blog and messages on the ning social network most of the time. In general that really doesn’t take that much energy.
So basically, I do hope I’ll be around, but I’m definitely on a down swing.
I’ll try to write a post on why the Valium crossover is so hard next time I feel like writing. Explaining it right now seems too complicated and my brain is really suffering in that I just can’t think clearly and tend to forget things while I am doing that and that includes thoughts as I’m writing.
Peace.
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Duane! You added more visual details and now getting rid of the image is even harder, gah!
Gianna, I get satisfaction out of the writing and posting too. But then later I start to get insecure about my posts (especially on my older Blogger blog) and that insecurity makes it harder to get back to the point where I’m enthusiastic about writing the next piece. I miss that feeling.
Could you give the milligram scales another go for tapering off the Klonopin? You could then taper by fractions of a percent.
For the past year, I’ve been using digital milligram scales to successfully taper Zyprexa. Though I remember that you found the same model of scales inaccurate. What I discovered over the last year is that they are very sensitive to environmental changes which might have been the issue.
The scales are inexpensive (~US$20) and I guess corner-cutting in production means they are poorly shielded against EMF interference.
This became clear when someone called the mobile phone just as I was trying to weigh a drug dose. The scale reading went crazy for the duration of the call. Other sources of EMF that cause problems include low energy (i.e. fluorescent) light bulbs, and IT equipment including the PC. The EMF apparently interferes with the highly-sensitive “capacitive load cell” in the scales.
Large changes in room temperature also seem to affect the reading. When the room is really cold, a 5mg Zyprexa tablet which normally weighs in at 215mg can sometimes reads as low as 212mg.
I found the 10 gram calibration weight that is included with the scales is not terribly useful. I think it calibrates too far from the target weight range. Instead I actually use a Zyprexa pill (always the same pill) to check the calibration each day.
I guess the error is not that important for tapering. It’s not crucial that the scales give a reading to the exact milligram, as measured against a more precise instrument. The pills themselves can vary in weight. The manufacturer works to a tolerance that allow for variations in the amount of packers and coatings used in production. Because of this variation, some 5mg Zyprexa tablets can weigh as little as 212mg while others weigh up to 218mg.
However, what is important for the sake of smooth tapering is that the scales consistently return the same reading, day after day. I think this is called the “repeatability” or the “reproducibility” factor of the scales.
As long as the scales always show a reading of, say, 210mg when weighing a 215mg tablet, I don’t suppose that really matters when tapering.
Given a stable environment in which every source of EMF interference has been removed, the scales seem fit for purpose!
Good luck, Gianna, however you choose to do it!
Ana and Duane,
Amen. Amen.
Ana,
“THESE DRUGS DESTROY LIVES!”
When we stop mincing words, and speaking the truth….like you just did….the word will finally get out!
Thank you,
Duane
Sending you positive karma and all of that stuff. ((HUGS))
I haven’t seen that there are those to say you’re depressed.
NO! GIANNA IS NOT CLINICALLY DEPRESSED!
These drugs cause serious side effects are withdrawal symptoms are hell, Period.
Gianna,
I made a quick research on Klonopin withdrawal and came across with this site I don’t know if you have seen:
http://www.prozactruth.com/clonazepam.htm
There’s a long list of WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS, yes, they are REAL not a collective hallucination experienced by some people around the world.
Read it when you feel better because the list is long.
THESE DRUGS DESTROY LIVES!
It’s said by a person whose life changed dramatically due to effects of psych-drugs.
NO! I’ve never been diagnosed any disease.
I was going to forget the most important on the site:
“Many people attempt to taper off Klonopin by switching to Valium. It is not recommended. You will go into withdrawal on the Klonopin and introduce a new medication on top of that which will probably have side effects of it’s own.”
It’s just another way of seeing.
there are many theories on the Valium crossover…it’s simply not one thing works for any one person..I was totally stuck…so I’m hoping this will change things….
read heather ashton’s benzo manual for the theory I’m pursuing…also I’ve posted a bunch of stuff on the crossover….
I know the pros and the cons and I chose for a long time NOT to do the crossover…but there are many good reasons to try it as well…
no precise answers here…and everyone is different…
some people do great with a valium crossover and others don’t …part of the problem is doing it right…it needs to be done exceedingly slowly and with caution….something most people doing withdrawals have problems with…
also I posted a list of benzo withdrawal symptoms the other day along with your list of SSRI withdrawal symptoms…I guess you missed it…
thanks for checking in.
Froscha,
Clowns are kinda creepy – so are psych docs…
Now, i gotta work on this image of these clowns packed in one of those tiny little cars….with white lab coats, stethoscopes, big red noses, and lots of lipstick and rouge….
You’re right, it is kinda creepy ain’t it?
Gotta get this outta my head….Gonna take a walk!
Duane
your image of clowns in cars made me laugh…
Froscha,
I’m glad I’m driven to blog…it’s a real kick in the ass…if I didn’t have it I wouldn’t have anything…there is so little I can gather my energy together for…
I’m hoping I’ll feel well enough to write by tomorrow…I really LIKE writing …the original pieces…I LOVE it really…
and if I didn’t I wouldn’t do it…and I’m so glad that I do, for without a passion in this state of health life would truly be bleak.
Gianna, I have faith in you!
And given how little I post to my own blogs because of self-doubt and emotional fatigue, I am in near awe of your ability and drive to post so frequently when you are that much more physically depleted than me. Having said that, you could drop off your recent frequency in spades and still be a prolific blogger, so don’t pressure yourself!
I have a mental image now of clowns packed in one of those tiny cars attempting a drive-by assault in traffic. I already find clowns creepy! Thanks duanesherry! ; ]
thank you Ana,
I’m doing better today because I’ve stopped the crossover temporarily…I can think kinda sorta today and I’m not inert with drugged out-ness.
I just have to do it really slowly…
We read in the Ashton manual last night to do it in tiny bits like 1/16th of a mg of K at a time…yikes!! that could take forever…
anyway…I keep trudging along.
I have several things I want to write about, but still can’t think well enough…but I have managed to prepare a few posts in which I say very little….(cut and paste jobs basically)
one of them inspired by your post today…
I have two stories I want to tell…one about the Valium and one about stuff going on in my life…but I don’t have the energy…
they’ll get told eventually I hope.
I’m not sure but I’m a little concerned.
I don’t remember quite clearly but this is my experience:
I went to a psychiatrist to help me get off of Klonopin and he started using diazepam to help.
I don’t remember why after some time he has prescribed me Tofranil.
I’m really sorry I cannot remember but – it’s amazing how these drugs work – it seems that he has added Tofranil because of some troubles.
All I know is that all these together caused a huge anxiety strange feelings in my legs…
I was taken to another psychiatrist that started diagnosing side effects of these three drugs together Klonopin+Diazepam+Tofranil.
Take good care Gianna.
Wish I had some advice.
well, i appreciate you gianna
i always have
your recovery is not in a vacuum
there are those of us who get on to your site
to read about your journey
and, your courage reminds us of our own
i believe we all have it
but, seeing it in another strenghtens this spirit within….
it helps us tap into it
i’m grateful for you
always have been,
duane
those docs are a bunch of self-important poops who totally ignore me Duane…at least you have their ear…
I posted that piece on the clinic in Louisiana about a month ago and no one said a thing and I suspect it’s because they ignore my emails!!!
everyone got all excited when you posted it. you are much more diplomatic with them..they are always pissing me off.
It’s funny, [almost] every time I feel the bell jar descending, I remember that condescending asshat of a Shrink #1 whom I “consulted” w/ – I cannot prove him right by succumbing to the seduction of polypharmacy => thinking that the right pill will solve my problems. Tain’t that easy.
Hang in there darlin’
legal pads are 8.5 x 14….
my bad….
(to fend off another “drive-by”)
clown outifits…..close your eyes and visualize them in clown outfits…..
i’ve had enough gianna,
duane
Gianna,
(Off subject on “breaks” – sorry)….
Thanks for educating some docs on Int Psych today….
I felt a bit “all-alone” until you posted a comment on the dangers of psych drugs.
At the risk of sounding arrogant….These docs need to take an 8.5 x 11 legal pad, and take notes from a few consumers, and they need to stop prescribing drugs – end of story…..I’ve had enough of the injury by these clowns.
The “drive-bys” again….Also clowns…..Picture them in clown outfits – have a good laugh!
Appreciate your support.
My best,
Duane
Gianna:
I am believing with you that the biggest fear you can’t continue is exactly that – fear. You WILL get through this because you have shown so many of us your true spirit and courage and tenacity underneath this debilitating chemical injury. Hugs to you, and I agree with whoever said this, too – curl up with your furry friends and enjoy the heck out of them and cry on them, too.
What if all those years you spent on psychiatric drugs were due to Vitamin B12 deficiency and now you are stuck with the aftermath of the psychiatric drugs. You don’t have to see an expensive orthomolecular psychiatrist to find this out either. I found out from both my general doctor and my endocrinologist, both in network, and didn’t really cost much after my insurance paid. You just have to be sure you don’t use the word depression or talk about “mental” too much with them, maybe say you might not be eating enough or well perhaps to make them want to give you a vitamin analysis, because when I told one endo I still felt “awful”, he referred me to a really bad shrink. Stress the words, “Fatigued, or lethargic, lack of energy, memory loss.” those could be symptoms of b12 deficiency that the doctors won’t send you to a shrink for.
runaway….thanks for the advice it’s all good and I’ve done it all already…read my about page…this blog is about encouraging people to use alternatives and I live what I preach…
unfortunately the damage was done to me before I could save myself from this struggle…I have since become hyper-educated about alternatives…
my diet and nutrition is stellar and I’ve had all the testing that alt mental health practitioners run and then some…
there is no doubt my body has been poisoned by these meds.
Even though I recommended exercise for help, it can be hard for me to get into the habit, and if I get out of the habit, it is hard to get back in. Each of us has to find our own “cure” just like each student might need a different method of teaching in order to learn a subject. I wouldn’t suggest anyone has any chemical imbalance depression caused by biological DSMIV stuff. I don’t believe in that anymore. I would be more frightened of the longlasting or possibly permanent effects of the psychiatric drug cocktails you took. But I was diagnosed with extreme Vitamin B12 and Vitamin D deficiency which causes fatigue and in deficiency cases, mental symptoms that can even include psychosis or “depression” so you could go to an endocrinologist or gp to tell her you think you might be malnourished and get your levels checked. You should never use the word depressed with doctors again, that means psychiatric drugs. I am not suggesting you have mental symptoms but that if you are not well nourished, you might not be too energetic. I did not take oversupplementation, just enough to fix my deficiencies. I don’t take ultra high doses of vitamins I am not deficient in anymore only the ones which came back from the lab as being dangerously low.
Hey, Gianna, do what you need to do to heal. Thanks for all that you do.
Drive by jerks, BE GONE.
Hugs to you Gianna, and to those lovely lovely purr balls.
Your avatar of Jezebel always makes me soo happy and cheers me out of a depression. I wish I could do the same for you, sweetie.
Don’t let the asshats get you down.
Dano thank you,
I know you’re all out there cheering me on…hundreds of you…literally…
don’t know why I let a few asshats gets under my skin. I guess it’s because I know society in general doesn’t support what I’m doing, or at least the powers that be in society as far as this stuff goes…PHARMA and psychiatrists in large part…though I’ve got a dear one supporting me.
Please know that you are not alone. There are many of us who care about you and your struggle. Take some time to curl up with a cuppa and your fur-baby.
thanks for your good wishes Immi and AM
to the person who will get no air time here with her offensive observation that I must be in a depression…
who would not be depressed if their body stopped working??
what makes me different from the clinically depressed is that I’m dying to get out!!! Every day I think about the things I’d like to do, but can’t because my BODY DOES NOT WORK.
I have hopes and dreams and I work my ass off in spite of my body giving out on me…
save your condescending disbelieving crap for someone else and read a bit more of my blog and get a clue.
sorry folks, I’m getting real tired of these drive by hits meant to undermine me…
Same here. Hope it passes soon for you.
*hugs* I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad Gianna.