Satire and silliness

This is an unusual piece for this blog. Andy from Mental Dimensions has submitted this piece as a guest blogger.  I, frankly, loved it. But I warn you some may find the humor a bit dark. It is irreverent and may offend some. So this is a possible trigger warning.

Don’t be Paranoid of Risky Drugs
By Andy Alt / Mental Dimensions

29 Sep 2005 – I heard on the news that a warning label will now be issued for a particular ADHD drug. It can increase risk of suicide in children. I like to read warning labels because they contain letters and sometimes even numbers so it challenges my ears and helps improve my sense of smell. I think risks are important because there are famous people who make quotes like, “What’s life without risk?” I think that’s right because without risk people wouldn’t get anywhere. It’s good to risk suicide so your child can think better because otherwise they will have problems with mental clarity and that would affect how well they do their homework. Also, if they don’t take the risk of the medication causing or increasing suicidal thoughts then all the kids that died during the testing phase and after the FDA approval of the drug will have died in vain. It’s important that people do not die in vain and can have clear thoughts and good behavior.

Along with taking risks in life, pushing oneself is important too. Bringing the challenges of fighting suicidal thoughts into a child’s life at a young age will help strengthen their character and teach them about stress before they turn 18 because after 18 they will really need be able to think clearly and have practice at battling off suicidal thoughts. This experience will be especially beneficial if they later have suicidal thoughts all by themselves because of regular life things and not by taking risky medications. They can also learn about gambling using the risk method because it’s important to teach kids a lot of things and overload their senses with new information. The more they have to think about, the more they can practice sorting thoughts into clear and organized thinking.

I think medication is good because it’s another form of technology and technology has proved that it makes life better. There’s less sickness, disease, suffering and death than there was 100 years ago before medical science advanced. I’m not really sure about the latter stated fact. I could be wrong because I don’t know much about history, facts, or things that make sense. I just know that I must be right about medications because billions are spent on it and money is only spent on things that are valuable, help people, and to pay taxes.

I don’t want to just help promote Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder drugs, but also medications which help with mental illness. People who are mentally ill are not normal. They are in the minority because it’s well known that normal is always a higher number and percentage. I heard that only 10% of Americans are now mentally ill. I’m not good at geography, but I think that 10% must be at least 20 millions people. Because it’s only a millions, it’s small because 90% is a lot of millions. (I don’t know if the war veterans who became mentally ill, abnormal, and forgotten and homeless by our government are included in the percent thing because taking a census is hard when there is no mailing address. I think it would be way easier to keep track of them if they had the free health care for life that some of them were promised because then they’d have an insurance card to help identify them). We have to make sure that the small millions are normal like the big millions. I think the risk of suicidal thoughts only occur in a small percent of people who take medication (I used a calculator to figure out that 1% of a millions is a really small number compared to the 100% of a millions). If only one percent of a millions people commit suicide, that is good practice for pharmaceutical companies to make more and better ones to keep treating the other millions that are abnormal and need to think clearly and relax.

Sometimes I think I don’t need my risky drugs because I’m able to convert my thoughts to binary if I’m anxious and then I always get tired afterward and forget about my anxiety. But I think risky drugs are okay because doctors always followup after a day or usually about 30 days to six weeks and it’s well-known that a suicidal person will always call their doctor before they commit suicide. The waiting period is good because it’s common knowledge that it takes a long time to commit suicide. A lengthy period of planning and strategic action is necessary and sometimes you have to go out and buy a calendar to mark the date. Driving can be very relaxing and the drive may help relax the person into not killing himself. There is often a 3 week waiting period to buy a gun, so a lot of people that don’t already own guns have lots of time to change their mind.

I may be wrong in my opinions, or in my brain, but I feel opinions are a great thing about our way of life; two terms ago President Bush was of the opinion that he could be a good President. I think that if the President of the United States can be wrong so then too can a mentally ill person be wrong, and it’s okay and I shouldn’t feel ashamed that I’m abnormal and in the minority and in the small millions instead of the big millions. I don’t like being weird and wish I could be a successful mentally ill person like Einstein or Edison, or even President Lincoln who had bouts of severe melancholia because then it’s okay to be mentally ill and in the small millions. I think it would be cool if I could prove Unified Field Theory because then I wouldn’t ever have to worry about taking medication because my mental illness wouldn’t be as much of a problem and medication would be cheaper because I could afford it if someone bought the paper that I had written my proof upon.

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About Monica Cassani

Author/Editor Beyond Meds: Everything Matters

7 Responses

  1. Gianna, not to give you more work, but…
    Los Angeles Times: ADHD drugs cause hallucinations in some kids, study says

    9:00 AM, January 26, 2009

    Ritalin1Doctors have known that some children and adolescents taking stimulant medications for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder experience psychiatric symptoms from the drugs, such as hallucinations, hearing voices, paranoia and mania. In 2007, the Food and Drug Administration ordered manufacturers of stimulant medications to add new warnings about psychiatric and cardiovascular side effects to package inserts. And patient medication guides are also required to explain the risks of ADHD drug treatments. At the time of the FDA order, experts estimated the risk of an adverse psychiatric event from medication use at about 1 in 1,000 children.
    […]

    Right now, Google News has 37 news results for this story.

    Like

  2. Andy

    You are a wonderful satirist cut from the same cloth as such luminaries as Swift, Gay, Pope, Voltaire, Fielding, Sterne, and Hogarth….

    Keep writing…..

    Like

  3. Thanks, Marian.

    Thanks, Susan. I never read any of those peeps you mentioned, but I’ll look them up on facebook later. I think I heard of Voltaire, he was a Transformer right?

    Sometimes I think I’m ahead of my time, other times I’m not so sure, but that’s because of my brain disease that makes me mentally sick, like I have a cold and my brain wants to sneeze from being so mentally ill. I understand that when I think bad about myself, that means I’m sick. And when I have grand thoughts that I’m a really good writer, that means I’m sick too. What I need is a stable sense of self-esteem and self-confidence from within that only antidepressants and other medicines can bring.

    I’ve always hoped that if it turns out I’m ahead of my time that it’s only by five years. That means I only have 2 more years to go until my writing is good and my grandiose thoughts don’t make my brain runny like my nose. I won’t have to chop off my ear or hang myself to be a good artist, and I can get self-confidence from other people telling me that I’m crazy but they won’t mind that I’m crazy because I’ll have contributed to culture or became an actor in Hollywood.

    Achoo!

    Like

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