This is a response to an email in an email group in which someone was saying we should not be “victims.” Part of working through being a victim though, and rising above it is recognizing the damage that has been done. Ignoring this is simply invalidating and damaging. Karen Henninger speaks to this beautifully in this response to someone in one of the email groups I’m in. She gave me permission to reprint with some minor editing.
Bio:
Karen is a multi-talented, creative artist of life , expressing herself through the visual arts and creative word arts, and who has been a violence prevention activist for more than 22 years. Her life experiences and her informal and formal studies have been extensive in some unique ways. Her life’s work has contributed to her activism as a cultural environmentalist in which she applies environmental ‘green’ principles to our cultural, social and personal lives and addresses human relationships to media creation, literacy and mass media image/text technologies.
Now in response to an email I am not reprinting:
You seem to have bought into the popular psychology that parrots….”don’t be a victim.” I did too at first until I learned where that message was coming from and why. I want to say heads up here. First, the use of language. A victim is a victim.
And if you have crime, you have a victim of crime. It is very appropriate to use the word victim. To say one is not a victim when one is a victim is to confuse the reality. This language twisting is a phenomenon in our society that keeps those in power from being accountable for their actions. In my view, we need more people saying they are victims. Victims are a real thing. Do not deny people’s reallity by language twisting.
Second, I do understand the concept you are addressing by saying “don’t be a victim.” It is saying that a person should take action and that is not a bad thing to learn, but that as well negates the very real experiences for ‘some’ people of all kinds of harm that happens to people when they ‘take action’ from their state of ‘being a victim’ – it is sometimes called ‘re-victimization.” They get harmed again.
There is a mass confusion going on, because there is a power structure we live in that is highly damaging to people and people have attempted (in many ways, for many years) to address different aspects of the harm of this power structure.
They have not fully succeeded, but there has been significant progress in addressing the harm that happens to people in so many ways. However, the whole movement of “taking personal accountability,” has some benefits, but they are short-lived, because when one is a victim and one, as you say, ‘stops’ being a victim it does not address the behavior of the one that is doing the harm.
In some cases, a person can remove themselves from the harm and eliminate the problem for themselves and for those cases, I say Hurrah. Great. Good. There are many people who need to hear that they can and should take action, but I’d prefer to use other words.
Because most of the people that do not or have not taken action, are in the ‘state’ of either paralysis, or fear, or simply not knowing another way to respond because they were victims as children. They learned to tolerate things and not take action. They learned the behavior that they know.
Telling children to say No to drugs, telling little girls to ‘stay away from ‘abusers’ and children to ‘tell an adult’ if someone touches them in the wrong place places way too much responsibility on a child that a child can not accomplish when under threat of abuse, telling battered women—chanting over and over socially—why do they stay?
When there is no help once they leave and many women and children are being killed after they leave with no social protection and I could go on and on. With examples of victims and the failed popular psychology of addressing harm by ‘healing’ and ‘fixing’ the person harmed—telling the ones that are in a vulnerable position that they can actually do something or stop it, is a lie – too often.
And it causes much guilt, much useless efforts, because when a person in our society is in a position to do harm, it is this person that must stop and society is not successful at stopping it. Even people in positions of power to do something still can’t stop it!!!
So it is ludicrous, in some cases, to tell a victim to do it. There is much more that needs to be done to stop the harm. It requires social change, groups of people, mass movement, confronting the issues at all different levels of society – with many people working at their social locations to stop it.
Just recently on Oprah, there was a show about bullying in schools. And there was one psychologist on there who was ‘counseling’ one boy who was being bullied and she gave him the same ‘da da da’ about how not to be a victim. He felt better.
But there was another woman on there, who had other studies and written work who said, it was time for parents, teachers, and society to address and stop the bullies. To ask a child to do what parents, teachers and authorities in power should do is wrong. To ask a child to do what parents, teachers and authorities do not know how to do is mind-messing for the child and irresponsibility for adults.
I don’t want to deny that it is helpful for people to learn different techniques of dealing with being harmed. I am not saying that that popular psychology doesn’t have it’s place and time, especially in a world where we have behaviorism which teaches people there is one right, and only one right behavior, in all kinds of places and circumstances which is totally wrong. That alone, is a negative result of errors from authorities, of being mass produced as a human in a mass produced educational system that created our society and how it is functioning. So I do believe all kinds of education are necessary and I won’t say stop the concept entirely—let’s just put it in perspective and use it appropriately. But I just needed to say heads up…..about the ‘not being a victim’ psychology.
It’s the language that bothers me. The word victim is useful. The word victim is necessary. And the last thing a victim needs is to be told ‘don’t be a victim’. Our children will suffer with those two mixed messages. It is not appropriate to tell a victim to stop the harm as if only their behavior matters and ignore where the real harm is coming from. It is inappropriate to do this to victims without any other help—without accountability for everyone in society. In many cases, It will cause many more people many more years of struggle and suffering, while those who are doing the harm get a ticket to continue on with no accountability.
With domestic violence and sexual assault , for example, we have many women who have stopped ‘being victims’. Problem is the rest of society has not been taught nor have they had the experiences, or aren’t addressing them for themselves so the end result is that domestic violence victims and sexual assault victims are trapped in a world that continues to support, as has been done historically, the abusers—why? Because there are too many of them and they start protecting each other. You find that judges leave rapists go free. You find a child psychologist who is in power to protect children from abuse and you find out he is an abuser. There are too many in positions of power who grew up in our society of violence and harm so it is very dangerous until we have a social critical mass in which EVERYONE knows how to appropriately deal with violence, with harm, with sexual assault.
The worst part is that, for example, with battered women, younger women are being trapped now because the abuser has now figured out how to USE the domestic violence movement for his advantage to abuse a woman. Men who believe in violence, particularly as it is held traditionally, are turning the hard work to stop violence on it’s head.
Twisting the language is a common tactic used. There are many stories of young women who are being abused, and many women losing custody of their children because of abusers – and the abusers in 70% of the cases get custody of their children, because the society is untrained, and still blames the victims and the reality of victims, is once again, not believed while the abusers have developed new ways to abuse.
Our society is pretty ignorant about perpetrators and there needs to be an education.
We have a socially inherited nationwide pattern of behavior that does not hold certain people in power accountable for their harm and this has gone on for centuries. This kind of harm needs to stop and it needs to be addressed effectively.
All behaviors, any and all help is needed—all education is needed.
Okay. I’ve had my say. I’m done.
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Spiritual_Emergency, I loved what you said about “self-mercy.” Well said. The other parts of your response were fine and accepted by me.
I am very open minded and can see 360 degrees around most issues. The things that I chose to say, were from the parts of me that wanted to speak at that time. I could just as well be in the mood to say things from other angles in virtual opposition to what I said. I can usually strike up an explanation for why the validity of opposing views exists similtaneously. That’s why it has taken me so long to find my writing voice. I can’t say everything, so I say something.
I don’t advocate more pills for anything BTW. But, when I was really horny in my 20’s I wish that someone helped me. I was out of control and a complete asshole to women! That’s really where I’m coming from, because I know it isn’t just me.
“I want to wear that shirt.” “No, it makes you look like a slut.” “I think it’s pretty.” The guys should breathe into a paper bag or something or go home.
I identify as a female to male transgendered person. So I’ve been around the gender block. I’ve been talking a lot recently about how I think feminism should only be a temporary thing. We can drag out the term when the power dynamics get out of whack and put it away when everyone is behaving. If we need to use masculinism, well then we might have to.
Find me a man baking bread and I’ll help him eat it. You go Moss. lol
Yes. I think it’s very important that you be authentic to where you actually are. It may well be that everyone around you is saying, “Put on a happy face,” and you might even be able to pull that off for a certain period of time, but if you’re not there… you’re not there.
Another critical stage of recovery seems to revolve around the idea of acceptance. Not only acceptance of the original trauma (or traumas) but also acceptance that we are where we are, even if those around us insist we shouldn’t be somewhere else. Early in my own recovery process, people around me were inclined to impose their schedule of “how-they-perceived-events-should-progress”. Needless to say, I disappointed them quite badly. I couldn’t adhere to their schedule — I could only adhere to my own and no one had passed me a master plan of exactly how long it would take. Everything took exactly as long as it took.
In hindsight, I can look back and see the stages and also see the importance of allowing myself to progress as I was capable of progressing. It takes as long as it takes but what we need in each stage will differ. Very early, we not only need to be able to feel our pain, we also need to have it validated by at least one other human being.
Later, we need to know that other people have been where we have been and made it through. If we wander into this stage too early or it’s imposed on us by others, we will not look upon those others as mentors, but rather, as competition. They will serve to remind us of what we have not accomplished as opposed to our capacity to accomplish.
Somewhere in there we need to pay attention to relationships and one of the critical ones is the relationship we hold with our self. As long as some inner voice is telling us that we are deserving of whatever abuse or trauma we experienced, or that we can’t recover, or that we’re doing it all wrong, or that we’ll never get better… we won’t. Re-establishing a healthy relationship with our selves is vital. We need to learn how to be our own best friend.
Meantime… My apologies Moss. In an earlier comment I referred to you as “Mike”. I had the “M” part right but not much else.
~ Namaste
Doug’s piece on the importance of feeling sorry for oneself was good…I made some comments on it and linked to a piece I like a lot about embracing our emotions…good and bad, painful ones too…
here is his piece.
http://www.beforeyoutakethatpill.com/index.php/2009/06/09/on-the-importance-of-feeling-sorry-for-yourself/
Good discussion here. My Mom died when I was four and a half and my father re-married quickly after that and I was told that I should ‘get over it’ and ‘grow up’ and ‘move on’ (as a 7 year old!). I for one will never again refer to traumatized persons as ‘survivors’; that is just a lot of hooey. So what if your body is still moving around the earth if your spirit has been snuffed out? There are a lot of people drawing salaries based on these bogus views. I wrote a recent post called ‘The importance of feeling sorry for yourself’ based on some of these lines of thought here and on other blogs. Not to say that you need to stay in victimhood forever necessarily but it isn’t a bad place to be and these ‘don’t be a victim’ people are just a bunch of perps.
Victims-ho!
Moss–my wonderful husband does counted cross stitch and rug hooking. He’s also a fair hand at cooking and definitely the better housekeeper!! Most of my most treasured possessions are his beautiful creations–some of them of his own design. I honestly believe that men do themselves a great wrong if they not allow themselves to be caught up in the joy of creativity. In fact I think the world needs many more men like you and my Pilot! I have no doubt that his discovery of this part of himself played a large part in his own healing process from his abuse as a child.
I just want to tell you that you are not alone–not in being a male who has suffered abuse and not in your wonderful discovery of the joy of creating. This particular feminist applauds you!!
Peace,
Joan
Not to worry, Gianna… everyone here so far has just expressed support AND opinion, not opinion OPPOSED to support.
spiritual_emergency: WONDERFUL points. I am a man who has been often abused, by both men and women — and by feminists while trying to express my support for feminism (and wanting to carry the feminist point to masculinism). Our “culture” or “society” tends to be far too (using the word carefully) strait-jacketed in gender roles. Those of you who have followed me around the Internet know that I knit, for instance — one man on the bus asked me “are you a fairy?” Well, first off, I’m not, but more importantly, what the frack business of his is that? I’m teaching myself to bake now… had some success with biscuits, working on bread now. My response to the comment “that’s women’s work” is “ok, give me a woman and I’ll help her do it.”
Hugs,
Moss
just so everyone knows…I’m not well and I’ve not read the above comments carefully but can tell some of the issues touched nerves…I trust you will all handle yourselves respectfully as I know all of you at least a bit.
thanks.
A slight diversion and an alternate perspective…
Ellen: I have succumbed to internalizing the war on femininity. IMO men should receive training on how to deal with extreme horniness and their impulses to act with force. Viagra is a big breakthrough. How about a pill that tones the horn monster down a few notches? I doubt seriously that will ever happen.
I’m always a bit sensitive about remarks that might stereotype the masculine gender. There’s two reasons for this. The first is that I’ve met a fair number of men who have been victimized — sometimes by men, sometimes by women, sometimes by Life itself. Also, in the aftermath of my own crisis, it was men who provided the core of my support. I have been fortunate to know some very good men as well as some very good women.
I’ve also been deeply influenced by Jungian thought. In the passage above you’d stated that you’d internalized the war on femininity. This reminded me of an article I’d read by Jungian analyst, Marion Woodman. Within Jungian psychology, every individual is considered to be comprised of both masculine and feminine characteristics. In this culture, there is a devaluing of the positive feminine due to the partriarchal/patrivalent nature of our culture but there is also a devaluing of the positive masculine. Marion Woodman offers up the following food for thought…
We might identify this “power” principle as a masculine characteristic but this same characteristic can be found in men and women, and either gender can be victimized by it. I find it’s helpful to keep that in mind when we are speaking of the generalities surrounding victimhood.
[I’m hopeful my html efforts were done correctly. If not, my apologies to any readers.]
Jeanne: What kind of crazy cuts you off so thoroughly from the suffering of a terrorized human being in your care?
I have little faith in institutionalized care. I know there are a number of caring and well-meaning people who work within those halls but my concern is that you can’t pay someone to love someone else. Depending on the caregiver, you may get it but only because they had it to give; not because they were paid to find it within themselves.
Mike: I hear “don’t be a victim” somewhat differently — the crime is committed, the victimization has been done. Find the justice, if there is any. But I’ve seen too many too willingly accept the ROLE of “victim”, which leads to a multi-year, non-stop pity party.
As stated, I think it’s necessary for people to be able to feel the full extent of their pain. I prefer to refer to this as self-mercy as opposed to self-pity. In my mind, self-pity always contains a seed of judgement/condemnation within it whereas self-mercy allows us to accept that sometimes, being human is a difficult task. Self-mercy allows us to develop compassion for ourselves. Some of the people I’ve seen who have struggled for years with self-pity have not yet learned how to cultivate self-mercy.
Self-pity also raises walls and defenses where we can end up feeling as if we are alone in our pain, cut off from the rest of humanity. A spiritual practice I often recommend to people who are struggling with pain is tonglen practice: http://spiritualrecoveries.blogspot.com/2007/01/pema-chdrn-tonglen.html Tonglen is a Buddhist practice although I tend to think of it as non-denominational since there is no mention of “gods” — just people. It was one of the most effective methods of pain relief I was able to find for a certain period of time.
Ellen: The thing about women “asking for it” by dressing this way and that; why should it be a crime for women to dress as they wish, etc…? …
Imagine if you can that a rapist was able to easily gain access to a woman’s home because she forgot to lock the front door before she went to bed. That doesn’t mean the rape was her fault but it does mean that each time she locks the front door at night she gets to say to herself, “I am taking care of myself. I am capable of doing what I can to keep myself safe.” This is where I see the value in taking responsibility where we can be responsible because if we don’t, we can forever end up feeling like the world is filled with monsters we are powerless to protect ourselves from. In my mind, this kind of “taking responsibility” has little to do with the victim’s relationship with the perpetrator, but rather, the victim’s relationship with their self.
Naturally, each situation is unique and individual; there probably aren’t any blanket statements that will fit for every circumstance. However, re-empowerment does seem to be an important stage in the recovery process. Others can assist although as with all important steps in recovery, the real work is always done by the individual in crisis.
Thanks for posting this, I learned a lot. I was glad she pointed out the violent society in which we live in and the lack of effective assistance that exists. I see our society as based on survival of the fittest; by definition that has winners and losers. The reason why I said I learned a lot is because I’ve been functioning with the belief that we are responsible for personally transforming the pattern of victimhood. I am not a survivor of physical or sexual violence. So in a sense my approach is academic. It’s so important to be reminded of the reality of what IS happening to victims of abuse, because that needs to be dealt with in real time.
In my opinion it doesn’t have to be an either or situation. To say people need to take responsibility doesn’t negate that they suffered greatly. It doesn’t negate that the perpetrators have to stop or be stopped. I understand it as taking place as an external and an internal reality in the ways that it is ultimately experienced and dealt with. Abuse happens on the outside between two or more parties. Personal responsibility is achieved on the inside, when one is safe from harm. Safety doesn’t grow on trees. You can’t think when you’re in a state of turmoil. Healing happens over time under any circumstances. We’re all, in this dog-eat-dog society coming from a place of relative disfunction.
The ideal situation would be that individuals found personal power and prevented situations before they happened, but as Karen pointed out that is an unreasonable expectation in most circumstances.
We as a society need to take the responsibility that abuse happens, power imbalances exist and we as the possessors of power should help to the extent of our ability to do so. At the very least we should approach the situation with concern and understanding.
The thing about women “asking for it” by dressing this way and that; why should it be a crime for women to dress as they wish, etc…? If I am a victim of anything it is that I crush my own creativity and expression to avoid victimization. I have succumbed to internalizing the war on femininity. IMO men should receive training on how to deal with extreme horniness and their impulses to act with force. Viagra is a big breakthrough. How about a pill that tones the horn monster down a few notches? I doubt seriously that will ever happen.
Perpetrators suck. Will they ever change? With the current lack of rehabilitation in the criminal justice system, perps are not getting help not being perps. We’re all being pushed and squeezed, especially financially. This sets up a situation where we take our roles and act them out.
yeah, this was a big debate in the disability studies dept at Cal. The proposal was to use the word “survivor” instead but then people had problems with that as well. The whole discussion bothers me. We need to call a spade a spade.
Wonderful ideas, wonderful words!!!! I am a victim, I am a survivor, but not without what often feels like mortal wounds.
I work with a group of women who are trying to make the woman’s shelter in my city more accessible to women with all kinds of disabilities (we all identify as disabled women as well as women who’ve been in abusive situations.) The director said something this week that gave me chills–they are looking for a new location because they are starting to see the daughters of women they have helped over the years coming to them for help. What an indictment of our society and of how we’ve been “dealing” with issues of abuse that is!!! Your words speak to why I found this so chilling–have we not moved at all since I was a young woman–30 some years ago???? Thank you for writing this. Thanks, Gianna for re-posting it.
I hear “don’t be a victim” somewhat differently — the crime is committed, the victimization has been done. Find the justice, if there is any. But I’ve seen too many too willingly accept the ROLE of “victim”, which leads to a multi-year, non-stop pity party.
I am not a hard man. If someone needs comforting, I’m there. As long as it takes. But some of the people I’ve seen take the role of victim to professional levels, and that has a negative impact on those who have found their way out.
I WAS a victim. I’m NOT one now. I prefer teaching people what they can do to recover, as I have tried to do.
That being said, this IS an important article on an important topic. Just felt I needed my devalued $0.02 put in the pot.
Hugs,
Moss
I have a story about revictimization by the mental health system. My friend, JF, gave me permission to tell her story. She told me this morning, so it’s burning in my mind. Short history, JF is 28, violent sexual assaults by male parent, in psych ward at 16, labelled borderline. She suffers permanent disfiguring tardive dyskinesia from antipsychotic administration during this time.
In 2006 she was targeted by an older man for sexual/financial exploitation. In the aftermath of his crimes she became homeless, and made the rounds of state hospital and community mental health placements. At her last placement, when she cut her wrists, a common stress reliever for victims of physical and sexual abuse, the manager of the house apparently was told to apply some sort of DBT (diabolical behavior therapy) technique. She forced JF to clean up her own blood and to dress her own wounds. She refused to transport her to the ER. This kept happening. Real effective for stopping this behavior.
Imagine forcing someone to clean up their own vomit or diarrhea, imagine doing this to a spastic person whose trembling worsens under stress. I asked JF if she had informed anyone. She said no, but she didn’t want pursue it because it was last year. I had a difficult time convincing her that this was simple cruelty, until I said, “Would you do this to anyone?” What kind of crazy cuts you off so thoroughly from the suffering of a terrorized human being in your care?
It’s been my experience that individuals who have undergone some form of trauma or abuse move through stages in their recovery process. Certainly, a critical stage early in their recovery will included self-identifying as “victim”. I believe it’s important that we be able to feel the extent of our pain and the injury that was imposed upon us. During this stage we are also apt to also feel and self-identify with our sense of powerlessness and helplessness.
To me, moving beyond “victim” means to move beyond this sense of powerlessness. One of the difficulties with this stage is people can feel so powerless, they fail to see the places where they still have power. They also may resist anyone else’s suggestion that they can still be powerful; during this early stage, any suggestion of responsibility may feel like “blame” to them and will be added to any “self-blame” they are already experiencing.
It is an entirely valid point that the perpetrator remains responsible for his or her own behavior but that’s also a realm of responsibility that typically remains out of our control. We are largely powerless to “make” them change no matter how badly they or those around them may be in need of it; we only have the power to change ourselves. To me, this too, is a stage in moving beyond victimhood — to be able to assess where we are responsible, where others are responsible and therefore, where we retain the capacity to take action on our own behalf.
I will offer an example…
Not long ago a young woman I knew was hospitalized. She was told that she retained the right to refuse aspects of her treatment (i.e. medications) but when she attempted to do so she was chastised by the nurses or otherwise “punished” (i.e. not being allowed to attend therapy sessions or not being allowed off the ward). Her doctors meantime wrote things such as “lacks insight” on her medical chart. The implication was that she would have to stay in the hospital until she improved and since they wanted her to take the drugs and she was exhausted and already in a state of trauma, she took the drugs. Her condition deteriorated rapidly as a result and she was transferred to a different ward that was essentially a prison. Any resistance was met with a shot of Haldol. Fortunately, she was able to get out with the assistance of family members. In all likelihood, others were not so fortunate.
I do not have any difficulty recognizing that woman was a victim. She held minimal power in that situation. But she holds power now. The system of care that victimized her is unlikely to change and should she ever again fall into their hands, she will likely be revictimized again. They are not going to change, so she must. In her case, as much as possible, she can use the power she does have to remain out of their grasp.
Sometimes, the “revictimization” that occurs by others around us is a result of them imposing an expectation of responsibility/empowerment too early in the recovery process. Mike’s example above of a rape victim being told that she bears any responsibility for her rape is an excellent example. She would have been open, wounded, raw in those moments and not yet capable of realistically assessing where she retained the power to alter the outcome. And yet, it’s possible that what came to be may have partially been a result of choices she made or actions she took.
My critical point is, as long as the “other” remains wholly responsible for the events that took place, we have no power because there is no power without responsibility. We must be able to accurately and compassionately assess where we were responsible, and thus, where our capacity for personal power still lies. Even then, we must also acknowledge that just as the other party can never be 100% responsible or 100% powerful, neither can we.
Thanks so much for reposting this.
This is _so_ well said. It’s so important, so succinctly written–it really should be widely published. Thank you so much for writing this, Karen–you have just helped a lot of people, including me.
very real and sensitive article. i do believe we need to teach kids to scream when they’ve been hurt by offenders and women do need to speak out when raped or battered, but the reality is as so well stated, society’s response to the victim is so critical and it hasn’t been good. when i was a rape crisis services volunteer sitting in the hospital with a rape victim, i heard more than one officer tell a woman she was asking for it by the way she was dressed or where she had been. she was victimized by those sent to defend her. our society is not near as nice as we like to portray ourselves. it sad, but thank you for the insight.
Reading this was more effective than a decade of therapy. The mere validation of the subtle versions of ‘re-injury’ that occur touched me so intimately that I broke down into tears and couldn’t bring myself to stop. She articulates so well what so many can’t. When a victim complains or objects to the fact that they’re not healing by convention methods, they typically hear that they’re a perpetual victim; almost as though they enjoy it, they seek it. The victim becomes more broken, more isolated, less trusting, less interested in attempting to find new means to heal; as a result, they are alone and victimized again. They may even begin punishing themselves. With no real optimism for the future, no connection with the world, no quality of life, no self.
Thank you for posting this. The validation alone has helped this cripple feel a little less handicapped, a little less alone, and a lot more human.
Important post. Recently I heard someone going on about how people should stop being victims. It finally clicked, she wasn’t talking about herself, she was talking about her daughter that alleged physical abuse. It is important to survive, not to apologize for being a victim. Mostly the stop being a victim message is coming from victimizer who aren’t saying, “I’m going to stop being a victim and take responsibility for my actions,” but instead are saying, “the bitch was asking for it, I didn’t deserve my criminal prosecution for rape.” Hence I’m going to start saying, “stop victimizing” when I hear this crap from now on. Thanks