Every now and then, quite frequently really, someone approaches me (in email) still thinking I am able to function like a normal person. I can’t. I’m incredibly limited and this seems to continue to allude a great number of people. I’ve posted this before and I’m posting it again as I seem to periodically offend people with my need to make very strict boundaries.
I continue to not be able to read much, nor correspond, except lightly with those who understand how impaired I am. I communicate mostly with close friends and very occasionally with people who publish on the blog.
If people are unable to understand my severe impairments I cannot continue communication and this seems to confuse a lot of people since I publish the blog. Yet if one reads it I repeatedly speak of how I don’t (closely) read virtually anything on it and most of what I do is perfunctory at this point…on rare occasion I stun even myself by writing something pretty articulate. For these things I’m completely at the mercy of my tired muse. Also, this is all I do, I have no other life, social or otherwise, so it’s no surprise I produce something. I do this and I do things to rehab my body and mind. The rest of my time is spent resting and meditating, often in various kinds of pain…often I am still in bed, though I’m not completely bedridden anymore.
Otherwise, those things I cover on the blog I tend to have well established neuro-pathways and so some subjects still get covered pretty darn well. I also often employ close friends to help me with excerpting and understanding material and sometimes writing comments for me, which I do note.
I’m sorry. Some day I’ll be back in the running, but for now, I have to take care of myself.
I continue having to limit communication even with my husband with whom I live, so prioritizing how I spend my energy anywhere else is extremely important and I have to do it pretty much with impunity.
I write two or three new articles a month and I only have 2 to 4 days in which I feel truly creative and can write new things. It’s in synch with my hormone cycle, if you must know! The rest of the blog are republished pieces with little bits of commentary from me and I’ve been doing the blog for so long it’s a highly developed skill which I can do in conditions of great distress at times.
I wrote another note regarding my communication limitations which I will also copy and paste here:
I turned off comments and also made email contact with me difficult over a year ago as my diminishing energy is needed for healing.
Some of you still manage to write me through various means. I want you to know that your email means a lot to me but I am in no condition to respond at this time. I often cannot read your emails either. I’m very sorry about this.
Some of your notes are loving notes of support which are greatly appreciated.
Others are looking for help. If you need help, please look at this post on how to find online support.
At this point in time I do not see myself returning to any sort of intensive public online life. I gave 1000s of hours of my energy and work to this blog and associated business from behind a computer screen. I really hope to use my passions and energies in a different way in the future.
If I get well I hope to work in the domain of physical human beings — a sentiment that is so normal for most, but for me it’s been years now that I can’t engage that way. So now I occasionally post my thoughts or an article on this blog until I’m well enough to actually leave my house even though I said I was moving on because well…my body ain’t really ready to move on even if I am psychologically. Yeah, I’m ready to be well. The body has its own timer unfortunately.