There is nothing unique about our suffering. (Tonglen, a compassion practice)

Below is a status update from Beyond Meds Facebook page. I ended up realizing it’s a good way to consider tonglen and then the rest of this post was created.

Ultimately our suffering is important in that it reveals the suffering of others. There is nothing unique about our suffering.

tonglenIn coming to realize the truth of the above statement the sting of much of my own “personal” suffering has diminished. Part of how I continue to cultivate this capacity is through meditation. Tonglen meditation is particularly good for this.

Tonglen is a method that allows for the development of compassion. Compassion is necessary both for the relief of our own suffering and so that we might serve others towards the end of their suffering too. Compassion, by (Buddhist) definition, is the capacity and more importantly, the willingness to experience both our own suffering and the suffering of others. In other words you might say, you can’t heal what you don’t feel.

Tonglen means taking in and sending out. So we take in the suffering — the difficulty whatever it is — and the outbreath we release it.

I have collected several talks and an article on tonglen here. I’ve been studying the art of tonglen so that I might make it my own. I found that listening to and reading from several different teachers is helping me find my own personal version of tonglen. I am sharing some of my finds with you that you might also find your way of practicing this wonderful meditation. You’ll see that all the teachers have different takes on it. This helped me find my own take as well.

First Tonglen with Ethan Nichtern

Part 1

Part 2

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Tara Brach teaching tonglen:

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Tonglen with Wai Cheong Kok:

for self

for other:

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Pema Chodron teaching tonglen

I highly recommend the following audio taped retreat with Pema Chodron for a deeper opportunity: Noble Heart: A Self-Guided Retreat on Befriending Your Obstacles

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From Pema Chodron’s author page at Shambala:

THE PRACTICE OF TONGLEN

In order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.

In particular, to care about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean —you name it— to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves. In fact, one’s whole attitude toward pain can change. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, one could open one’s heart and allow oneself to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind.

The tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering —ours and that which is all around us— everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem
to be.

We begin the practice by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and who we wish to help. For instance, if you know of a child who is being hurt, you breathe in the wish to take away all the pain and fear of that child. Then, as you breathe out, you send the child happiness, joy or whatever would relieve their pain. This is the core of the practice: breathing in other’s pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open, and breathing out, sending them relaxation or whatever you feel would bring them relief and happiness. However, we often cannot do this practice because we come face to face with our own fear, our own resistance, anger, or whatever our personal pain, our personal stuckness happens to be at that moment.

At that point you can change the focus and begin to do tonglen for what you are feeling and for millions of others just like you who at that very moment of time are feeling exactly the same stuckness and misery. Maybe you are able to name your pain. You recognize it clearly as terror or revulsion or anger or wanting to get revenge. So you breathe in for all the people who are caught with that same emotion and you send out relief or whatever opens up the space for yourself and all those countless others. Maybe you can’t name what you’re feeling. But you can feel it —a tightness in the stomach, a heavy darkness or whatever. Just contact what you are feeling and breathe in, take it in —for all of us and send out relief to all of us.

People often say that this practice goes against the grain of how we usually hold ourselves together. Truthfully, this practice does go against the grain of wanting things on our own terms, of wanting it to work out for ourselves no matter what happens to the others. The practice dissolves the armor of self-protection we’ve tried so hard to create around ourselves. In Buddhist language one would say that it dissolves the fixation and clinging of ego.

Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure and, in the process, we become liberated from a very ancient prison of selfishness. We begin to feel love both for ourselves and others and also we begin to take care of ourselves and others. It awakens our compassion and it also introduces us to a far larger view of reality. It introduces us to the unlimited spaciousness that Buddhists call shunyata. By doing the practice, we begin to connect with the open dimension of our being. At first we experience this as things not being such a big deal or so solid as they seemed before.

Tonglen can be done for those who are ill, those who are dying or have just died, or for those that are in pain of any kind. It can be done either as a formal meditation practice or right on the spot at any time. For example, if you are out walking and you see someone in pain —right on the spot you can begin to breathe in their pain and send some out some relief. Or, more likely, you might see someone in pain and look away because it brings up your fear or anger; it brings up your resistance and confusion.

So on the spot you can do tonglen for all the people who are just like you, for everyone who wishes to be compassionate but instead is afraid, for everyone who wishes to be brave but instead is a coward.

Rather than beating yourself up, use your own stuckness as a stepping stone to understanding what people are up against all over the world.

Breathe in for all of us and breathe out for all of us.

Use what seems like poison as medicine. Use your personal suffering as the path to compassion for all beings.

More Tara Brach on Beyond Meds.
More Pema Chodron on Beyond Meds.

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About Monica Cassani

Author/Editor Beyond Meds: Everything Matters