Talk about bad timing. I got my period about two hours before my mom arrived. Granted, I knew I would be premenstrual and menstrual while she was here, what I didn’t expect is that this is the worst period I’ve had since January.
As most of you know if you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time I have endometriosis. This is a condition that causes infertility and severe pain during menses and sometimes all month long. I’ve had two surgeries for it and it’s come back each time. When I was 16 before the surgeries I treated it with hormones to deleterious results. Hormones make me crazy.
Then when I was on Risperdal I got the side effect that causes the period to cease: amenorrhea—caused by the increased prolactin levels that Risperdal creates. I always considered that a blessing of sorts, though of course it was not a good thing for my body and now in spite of the pain I’m glad my body is doing what it is supposed to do—it’s unhealthy to have elevated prolactin levels.
In any case my period returned about three years ago once I got my Risperdal dosage down to 4 mg from 11 mg. I hadn’t had a period in 8 years. They started out painless but within a year the endometriosis was raging again.
I’ve left it untreated for now as anything I might do for it medically risks messing with my head. I could have another surgery, but don’t want to put my body through anesthesia while going through withdrawals. I plan to treat it along with my really nasty PMS with Chinese Medicine once I’m off psych meds, as I’ve had bad reactions with Chinese herbs due to contraindications with meds. However, I’ve talked to many women who have excellent results for hormonal problems with Chinese medicine. Much better results than I’ve ever heard someone get from a gynecologist or endocrinologist. But, alas, I have to wait for now and suffer the monthly pain until off all psych meds.
However happily enough, for the last 5 months since January the pain has been much less severe since I started taking D-Phenylalanine, an amino acid that releases natural endorphins. The pain has simply been greatly diminished, but today it was not. I was back to debilitating pain and I had my mom here. I was completely out of it. Could barely sit up straight and hadn’t slept last night due to the pain so I was sleep deprived too and in a nasty ass mood—my PMS is worst the first two days of my period to make matters worse.
My mom came over at 9 am. She is staying in a hotel nearby because we don’t have an extra bedroom. I went back to bed at 11:30 and stayed in bed until 1:30.
My mom went out and did some shopping. I got up and lounged around with her but felt awful and inclined to try to take care or her in spite of my condition. She had made a healthy lunch so I ate that, but I insisted on making dinner. I was wandering around the kitchen doubled over in pain while I cooked—yes a bit nuts, but I told you I have this thing about being a good hostess.
I made coconut chicken (my own recipe) with brown rice and a salad. I retreated to my room to eat it while my mom and husband ate together. I simply had reached my limit in social capacity, which even at my best, in general these days is about 2 hours and I was with her a good 7 hours. If I hadn’t been in bed half the day it would have been worse.
She’s gone back to the hotel now and it’s 8:30. I was simply dying to write when she left. I’m laying down in pain still with the laptop in my lap. I’m dreading tomorrow, but chances are I’ll be a bit better and by Thursday when we leave on the road trip I should be recovered.
God, I must have done something in a past life to deserve all this crap. The pain makes me sound drunk and I stumble about the house. I think I get an adverse reaction to the ibuprofen as well as it can cause dizziness and spaciness in some. I was embarrassed. I know it’s my mom but I’m not really that close to her anymore and being that abjectly ill in front of someone other than my husband is not something I allow in general. Or really ever, but I had no choice. She was sweet and accepting and like I said she did the shopping I needed done for dinner. I actually did need her help. And she is happy to provide it.
Like I said in my last post she would be happy to take over all house duties and she did clean the kitchen and do the shopping. I have a hard time letting anyone cook for me in my own house, so I didn’t. I collapsed in my bedroom when I was done to eat alone—I simply needed space.
In any case I got a lovely email from a friend advising me on how to be with my mom. To look to the things I love and not to put energy on the issues of how she annoys me and though I was not perfect at this today, especially since I was so ill, I did greatly appreciate her sweetness and caring.
Now if only I can look forward to the rest of her visit. Like I said, by Thursday when we take off on the road trip I will most likely be past this painful part of the month and I will do my best to look to the woman who loves me and wants only the best for me and who would sacrifice her life for me because all that is true.
She is here donating her time even though I can’t really stand being with her more than a couple of hours a day–at least not talking and interacting. We did spend about 8 or 10 hours in the same room, but much of that was in silence. I need alone time desperately these days. Even at my best, which is far from what I hope my best to be once I continue on in my recovery.
Okay: end of update. I’m so grateful I could write about this and feel moved to do so at the end of such a painful day. Writing has certainly proved to be a massive pain reliever and healing tool. As soon as my mom walked out the door I though, oh god, somehow I just have to write. And now I’m mildly energized, even if still in pain.