This is the first two paragraphs of a piece on Margaret Cho’s blog. How utterly and unabashedly human she is. Please read the rest of it.
If I ever said I loved you, I meant it. I am not built to lie. There is a hollowness that echoes within when I do. And the cold winds that blow through the empty corridors the lies make in my heart whistle and shriek. I told many lies out of anger and let me say that I am sorry.
I know apologies may not be enough and there are words that can cut to the bone, for my mind is sharp, filed on years of hardship and clever maneuvering, trying to carve a life out for myself that never had a precedent, making up for my lackluster education by slaying volumes of the history of everything, trying to make up for what I never got to have. I am prone to acting tougher than I am and there is a kind of posturing that comes with that, a front that I put up because early on I needed it. There were obstacles that required my bullying and big balls and I forget to put them away when it comes to living like a human being. Growing up in a war zone does not excuse my behavior, but sometimes I am vulnerable to post traumatic stress syndrome. Coming ‘home,’ or to a place that we have made our home, the people we have chosen as family, is not easy as we think. I throw punches in the night to invisible foes and inadvertently hit the one I love most. We grow, we get better, but sometimes that isn’t good enough. But let me just say that I am filled with remorse, that certainly my words may be irretrievable and I cannot even dare ask for forgiveness, but that understanding might be possible, and after that, compassion might follow. I cannot control how you will feel when you see this, all I can do is say there is enough hatred in the world and I wish not to add to it. Let me love instead. (rest here)
re: your side note:
I’m sure not everyone would agree with you. I don’t allow some comments and people get put on permanent moderation at times…
I’m sure I’ve made many people angry with my moderation methods…but I do feel strongly about keeping it a safe place where people do not attack, nor argue only for the sake of argument…
My comment policy is rather hard-core. But I’ve needed to do that in order to stay sane…the comment policy is above in one of the tabs.
Intense. I am going to read the rest, but I needed to thank you for posting it. These lines particular resonated with me:
“We grow, we get better, but sometimes that isn’t good enough. But let me just say that I am filled with remorse, that certainly my words may be irretrievable and I cannot even dare ask for forgiveness, but that understanding might be possible, and after that, compassion might follow.”
Compassion is a beautiful word. One of my favorite. Because compassion is often not deserved, but more often given as a gift of mercy. Usually after many lessons learned, and the humble recognition on the part of the giver, of how horribly human they have also been at times in the past. To be compassionate is to be beautifully human.
(On a side note: Gianna, once again I wanted to say how I appreciate in you post your efforts to make everyone play nice and respect the opinions and life experience of others… perhaps you have the ability to walk a mile in their shoes, even when their opinions differ. You are one of the finest moderators I’ve seen.)
What a beautiful piece.
beautiful. thank you for sharing
by the way a friend and reader shared this with me when I asked if she knew of something inspiring I might post…Thank you!