I’m mostly not blogging anymore, it’s true, but I do still jot down thoughts from time to time. I’m sharing a bunch of those thoughts from the last couple of months. I’ve included links in some of them where you might find more similar thoughts explored and collected here on the website. They are a loose sort of documentation of my process as it continues. Be well. Remember, healing is not a linear process! Love to you all.
In the news: human beings discriminate and oppress other human beings.
In another story they also rape and pillage the land and abuse animals.
Narrative is the glue of attachment. Drop the story. Feel the pain.
Why are you so unhappy?
Because 99 percent of what you think,
And everything you do,
Is for your self,
And there isn’t one
— Wei Wu Wei
I am the ostracized. See me in everyone.
I was just thinking about the fact that part of my healing journey which in significant part includes deeply feeling my feelings and therefore, being that I had severe chronic illness and grave nervous system (brain) injury, I did a lot of screaming, along with all sorts of other loud noises. This was not optional in my mind. Not in the least bit. It struck me that people who live in apartments or even most any sort of communal living situations (that would include most families) don’t have this freedom. When one becomes deeply embodied that pretty much always includes the deep feeling of pain. Chronic physical pain and most of that which gets labeled chronic mental illness (and addiction– See Gabor Mate’s work) is a result of not being able to express these anguishes we’ve held within for so long. Disentangling them requires expression. If they are severe that expression may, indeed, take the form of loud noises, including screaming. Anyway…that’s my musing for the day. We must make safe spaces for the bulk of humanity to know that they can feel any thing they need to feel and make noises too. Even I was afraid my neighbors might call the cops during the worst of it when we had asshole neighbors…but at the very least our house was unattached.
At the grocery store a mom and two small children were next to me. The little boy, in a stroller, began to object to something and the momma was very rude and told him to shut-up…he went into tantrum and momma got more upset and began to studiously ignore him while also trying to keep it together herself. Her stress was palpable. I went right up to that little boy, leaned over, gently touched his head and looked into his eyes. I said, “momma is very busy right now. As soon as she is done she will be sharing what she is getting for you right now. You just need to wait a little bit.” He went immediately silent once I had begun this interaction and looked at me wide-eyed. I went back to my transaction at the counter and the little boy resumed playing with whatever he had in his hands. Momma was relieved. Little boy was relieved. I left with a goodbye to the family and gave a special look at the boy while saying “goodbye, beautiful boy.” It was a healing moment for us all. My little internal neglected child too rejoiced in that moment of recognition.
- Song of the rejected shadow child
- The rejected shadow child Part II: Illuminate me
- If we were abandoned…
Abandon the path altogether…dive into the unknown!
I stopped expecting MDs could help me (because they didn’t and in fact caused great harm). I thus learned to listen to my body and from there healing then began to really take off.
For me healing required a complete de-conditioning of everything I had learned…in part and very significantly I had to stop having faith in the medical system and instead have faith in life itself which offered profound healing as I learned to listen.
A prominent vegan nutritionist told me that there are, indeed, types of ill-health and unbalance that require animal products at least in the short-term and on occasion for long periods. Be kind to the human animal too. Many people need time to transition if they wish to stay healthy in mind/body and spirit (which are inseparable). The transition to a plant-based society-wide diet must take such considerations seriously if it hopes to succeed.
as someone who has healed myself from a bedridden non-verbal mess, I’ve come to know how to feed my body in the moment as it needs whatever it needs. I find it disturbing how disconnected many even more “real, whole, food” sorts of people are…in all their different ideological camps.
I am no more special than you are dear one. Don’t even try to put me on a pedestal. I will fall.
synaptic pruning…can you feel it baby?
we need no protection, we need only open, open, open
self-righteousness is annoying at best and totally useless in any case…no one wins an argument by being sanctimonious (though when we employ it we do get accolades from the choir)
My life gets easier as I deeply accept the nature of reality and surrender to the healing process…that doesn’t mean life is without challenges…it just means that surrendering to them offers a sort of ease even in the midst of challenge.
the scope of tragedy includes far too many things to keep track of so people just bond around whatever feels convenient in the moment. rage isn’t the way to go…but it rises quickly and then dissipates just as quickly…sustained caring requires something altogether different. Love.
Sharing ones experience need not threaten someone with a very different or polar experience. We all have kaleidoscopic constellations at play. The real problem is that our culture is so insanely competitive there tends to be little room for sharing differences.
Autodidact – (from wikipedia) “Autodidacticism (also autodidactism) or self-education is the act of learning about a subject or subjects in which one has had little to no formal education. Many notable contributions have been made by autodidacts.”
I was forced to autodidactism on this healing trip. I learned a ton of stuff from many disciplines. I had no choice once I realized that the medical profession only knew how to make me sicker and/or kill me. (no hyperbole here, sadly)That and the fact that I couldn’t leave the house nor go by anyone else’s pace for a long time. It’s left me in the strange position of knowing far more than many so-called experts about certain things with no credentials to back me up in a world that often demands them.
I will always speak openly about fringe experiences because my life has been filled with them. Fringe experiences make people uncomfortable. Talking about fringe experiences often trigger people. The thing is though, those of us who are having them live in a dangerous world (often quite literally, until we start to profoundly wake-up) where our experiences are rarely validated. I seek to end the danger and trauma for those of us who need to be recognized. Love to all you fringies out there. And peace to those of you who are afraid of us. Our experiences don’t invalidate yours. Please don’t try to invalidate ours. The human being experiences endless variety…no two of us are the same. We all have this uniqueness to give one another. Let us recognize it in each of us.
the interesting thing is I can be awake and aware and still act like an idiot…I just get to be aware of it while I’m doing it…oh, yay! the drama doesn’t end even as awareness watches and takes note. Learning, however, moves along exponentially.
Radical healing is actually pretty fucking insane. You don’t have to believe any of it…just watch and go for the ride.
The intricate web of life…I carry the intent to do as little harm as possible and also like to use harm reduction strategies in general…in my relationships with all beings and the planet too…
healing my gut has been critical in my journey…and because of the hypersensitivity my injury left me with I can feel those little critters when I ingest them (the probiotics) I can actually feel the energy (consciousness) of everything that goes in my body now. I know this shit is for real…but since what I say about feeling the consciousness of all this stuff sounds crazy to most people I just have to watch people fall all over themselves trying to figure this shit out.
What am I avoiding? (a wise young man asked me that a while back and it’s now become a line of self-inquiry)
Be in the mystery – not the fantasy.
The more you think you know the further away you are from the mystery.
The stories we tell are all fantasy.
There is no need for interpretation of this moment now.
Words in the moment are a dance….ephemeral creations that link us with others.
I don’t want anything but union anymore and it seems complete cooperation works best.
Life-force guides me expertly through the mine-field.
the body presents me with zen koans to solve daily
In a time of drastic change one can be too preoccupied with what is ending or too obsessed with what seems to be beginning. In either case one loses touch with the present and with its obscure but dynamic possibilities. What really matters is openness, readiness, attention, courage to face risk. You do not need to know precisely what is happening or exactly where it is all going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope. – Thomas Merton
The art of knowing when to STFU. Earned only by repeatedly traumatizing oneself unnecessarily.
My experience is not an affront to yours and vice versa. We’re all different and the truth is often contradictory. Holding paradox ….
When one heals themselves from radically poor health they learn stuff that most people don’t believe is possible and then are subjected to being the fool on a regular basis if they dare speak about their experience. Oh well…at least I’m a happy and progressively more healthy fool.
We get here from having been there.
We are nature. You can’t give nature prescriptions and protocols. I listen to the body. It tells me what I need as I need it. So lovely.
Ultimately the trigger, the part that hurts, simply needs to be deeply felt. At that point it dissolves into nothingness. The story then ceases to matter.
Everyone is full of shit. I generally assume that I am too. It helps me detach from whatever the story is right now.
Abandoning those who make us confront our shadows in the name of positivity is often simply spiritual bypassing.
Let your freak flag fly. That is all.
Mental illness and addiction are not a cause of homelessness. Human cruelty, fear and bigotry is the cause of homelessness. Housing is a human right.
We cannot hurt another without hurting ourselves. This is true whether we are conscious of it or not. Pay attention.
capitalism 2016…the selling of the self and the soul…the branding of ones being
we need to stop calling traumatized people patients and understand that these modalities are still within the framework of clinical understanding…the fact is healing is everywhere and learning to live well is really the only “cure.” Learning to live well means learning to listen to our innate knowing that finds that healing in every moment. In this framework we then recognize that everyone in this society is part of a deeply traumatized and disconnected humanity…it’s not about any particular “identified patient.”
*it is potentially dangerous to come off medications without careful planning. Please be sure to be well-educated before undertaking any sort of discontinuation of medications. If your MD agrees to help you do so, do not assume they know how to do it well even if they claim to have experience. They are generally not trained in discontinuation and may not know how to recognize withdrawal issues. A lot of withdrawal issues are misdiagnosed to be psychiatric problems. This is why it’s good to educate oneself and find a doctor who is willing to learn with you as your partner in care. Really all doctors should always be willing to do this as we are all individuals and need to be treated as such. See: Psychiatric drug withdrawal and protracted withdrawal syndrome round-up
For a multitude of ideas about how to create a life filled with safe alternatives to psychiatric drugs visit the drop-down menus at the top of this page.