So I’m feeling really skinny. I’ve lost about half of the 100 lbs psych drugs put on me.
I do not want congratulations! No.
Really because it generally strikes me as insulting.
There is nothing to be congratulated. I don’t deserve this any more than I deserved to gain the 100 lbs in the first place. I was a fat woman in America for 15 years because of psych drugs. Fat phobia is an ugly, insidious part of our culture and I will always be a fat woman inside my heart now. We are another oppressed group who are routinely mistreated and discriminated against. We hear on the TV and radio and in idle chatter all around us everyday how we are gluttons, lazy, pigs and have no self-control. We are driving the cost of health care up and it’s all our fault. We are the cause of global warming!!
By the way the links at the end of that article are really great and lead you to some truth about fat. For a primer on understanding the true nature of fat read Gina Kolata’s Rethinking Thin.
The truth is there are many people with healthy eating habits, who are not lazy, who like to be active, who hike and exercise who are still fat. Alternately there are those who eat really bad, get no exercise and don’t take care of themselves. You know what? There are just as many THIN people who do the same. Fat is very complicated and basically a lot of the “obesity” hype is just that: hype.
There are many body types and it often has little to do with how well you’re taking care of yourself.
Anyway, here I am a woman who got used to being fat over a decade an a half. A woman who never stopped eating well or hiking several times a week and was never a glutton and who learned that when she got fat people stopped paying attention to her like they did before she got fat. Especially men.
You know what? I’m scared shitless of being thin. Because right now I know who really loves me. I know who doesn’t give a shit about my shell. The world is filled with shallow losers and being fat is a good way of ridding yourself of a good share of them.
Also I lost weight once before and got non-stop compliments. I found it insulting. I suppose I was so disgusting when I was heavier that everyone had to express their great relief that I had lost a bit of weight. I lost that weight by working out 4 hours a day. Not tenable in the real world. Nope. No one except someone who is paid to work out can do that forever. And so it is with many naturally fat people. Not just those like me who got fat on drugs. And even at 4 hours a day of heavy workouts I WAS NOT THIN. I was still fat. Just less fat.
So now I’m getting skinny. I’m not doing a damn thing to make it happen. I’m in a size 14 and they are getting too big. It’s likely I fit in 12s now but I haven’t gone shopping lately. Normal sizes. No more plus size clothes. A whole new world has opened up. My body feels strange. I don’t recognize it.
It also feels good. I like that there are less rolls of fat and that I can lean over more comfortably and cross my legs without discomfort. Sure there are pluses. But dammit. I’m still me inside. I was me before the weight gain and I am now me as it all melts away ever since I got off the last of the neuroleptics. To make things explicit it was first the Depakote (a so-called mood stabilizer) and Risperdal that made me fat, and then once off the Depakote the Risperdal and Seroquel that made me fatter.
I’m having a bit of an identity crisis. I don’t know how to handle it entirely. So far I don’t see people much because I’m housebound so I haven’t had the onslaught of compliments, but eventually I’ll be out there again, once again getting hit on by men—something I haven’t had to deal with in almost two decades. I will loathe those men. I won’t be able to help it. I was invisible to them when I was fat. I was dumped by one of them when I first got on the drugs and gained the weight. My boyfriend of two years dumped me and told me it was unnatural to want to have sex with a woman my size. I was a size 12 at that time. Hardly fat in my book these days.
I have nothing else to say on this topic right now because I’m in process. This, I remind you, is a snap shot. Of this moment. Nothing else.
Just as a side note before I started taking psychiatric meds I was a super fit, slim athlete who was considered beautiful by typical societal standards. That all changed when I got fat. I do have to say, though, I was not as discriminated against as much as some fat people because I always managed to project an air of confidence. So I got good jobs, for example. Not all fat people are so lucky. Fat people are paid much less on average than thin people, for example.
But I still didn’t escape all the hatred that is projected on us as a group and often in large part that hatred is then internalized. So now the future of where I go with what has been internalized remains a mystery. I see and feel my body and it doesn’t feel like mine. I almost want my fat body back.
Everything is changing so fast in so many ways.