I’m so fucking disoriented I think I took my Valium twice tonight.
I’m alone this weekend. Sent Paul off to New York where he could participate in a conference for his work. He hesitated to leave me alone and I convinced him to go. The last thing I want is for him to feel he is glued to me.
I’ve been fine. In fact I’ve really enjoyed the solitude and being able to essentially completely control my environment. I hate being disturbed these days. I like to initiate all human contact. It’s just too hard to deal with unexpected interruptions. My brain has one circuit operating and I can’t change gears easily. So unless I determine when I’m ready to change gears all intrusions on my time feel horribly jarring.
In other words I’m a miserable person to live with. Poor Paul.
The humbling part of this scenario is that I cannot truly take care of myself. I gave Paul the responsibility to dole out my drugs a good six months ago as my cognition was declining and I started forgetting when and if I had taken my meds. Because of the cutting and splitting of pills I had stopped using a pill box and so it made sense to give the responsibility to someone who can think straight.
And so, tonight I think I took my Valium twice and as I swallowed the second dose it dawned on me that I may have taken it already and as that happened I dumped the entire bottle of over 200 pills onto the floor.
Because of my severe blood pressure problems (hypotension) leaning over and picking things up off the floor can make me pass out. I had to get down on the floor and basically lay there in order to not tax myself to much physically while scrambling to pick up every last pill in order to avoid accidentally poisoning a pet.
So, alas, the peace of a few days on my own has been nice. But I need my husband. I truly am not well enough to care for myself. I also am finding I truly cannot do the research required to figure out how to deal with my heavy metal toxicity and thyroid issues. It’s all highly controversial shit and I don’t trust anyone and I’m incapable of doing the required research this time around. I’ve done so much research and cured a number of chronic problems, but I still have a significant way to go.
I think I’m simply going to get my three dental amalgams removed (they contain mercury), then complete the Valium withdrawal and then not until then will I add any other treatment of any kind, thyroid, or chelation for heavy metals. I know the IV nutrients helped me detox greatly and so in the spirit of not doing too many things at once that is all I will do.
I don’t see the darn doctor until the 15th though and I just hope she is not a control freak—I’ve not met her and she is my only hope in my town.
I really hope she will just give me what I need and not thrust her thing on me like they all like to do. And, yeah, she has her thing too and I have no interest in it.
I’m so sick of doctors of all stripes. They all have their box they want to put you in. Tired.
And yet they are the purveyors of what I determine I need right now. I cannot get IV nutrients anywhere else.
Oh, I also stepped on my headphone and broke them today. I taped them together and hope that will give them a second life, but haven’t tried them out yet. I break and drop stuff all the time.
I’m waiting for the day I drop my computer and break it. I’ve come so close so many times I figure it’s only a matter of time. It’s simply not stable on my lap and with my limited mobility I try to do stuff with it while it’s on my lap which I should not do but I don’t seem to stop doing.
I’ve become a major clutz…