Excuse my language

I’m so fucking disoriented I think I took my Valium twice tonight.

I’m alone this weekend. Sent Paul off to New York where he could participate in a conference for his work. He hesitated to leave me alone and I convinced him to go. The last thing I want is for him to feel he is glued to me.

I’ve been fine. In fact I’ve really enjoyed the solitude and being able to essentially completely control my environment. I hate being disturbed these days. I like to initiate all human contact. It’s just too hard to deal with unexpected interruptions. My brain has one circuit operating and I can’t change gears easily. So unless I determine when I’m ready to change gears all intrusions on my time feel horribly jarring.

In other words I’m a miserable person to live with. Poor Paul.

The humbling part of this scenario is that I cannot truly take care of myself. I gave Paul the responsibility to dole out my drugs a good six months ago as my cognition was declining and I started forgetting when and if I had taken my meds. Because of the cutting and splitting of pills I had stopped using a pill box and so it made sense to give the responsibility to someone who can think straight.

And so, tonight I think I took my Valium twice and as I swallowed the second dose it dawned on me that I may have taken it already and as that happened I dumped the entire bottle of over 200 pills onto the floor.

Because of my severe blood pressure problems (hypotension) leaning over and picking things up off the floor can make me pass out. I had to get down on the floor and basically lay there in order to not tax myself to much physically while scrambling to pick up every last pill in order to avoid accidentally poisoning a pet.

So, alas, the peace of a few days on my own has been nice. But I need my husband. I truly am not well enough to care for myself. I also am finding I truly cannot do the research required to figure out how to deal with my heavy metal toxicity and thyroid issues. It’s all highly controversial shit and I don’t trust anyone and I’m incapable of doing the required research this time around. I’ve done so much research and cured a number of chronic problems, but I still have a significant way to go.

I think I’m simply going to get my three dental amalgams removed (they contain mercury), then complete the Valium withdrawal and then not until then will I add any other treatment of any kind, thyroid, or chelation for heavy metals. I know the IV nutrients helped me detox greatly and so in the spirit of not doing too many things at once that is all I will do.

I don’t see the darn doctor until the 15th though and I just hope she is not a control freak—I’ve not met her and she is my only hope in my town.

I really hope she will just give me what I need and not thrust her thing on me like they all like to do. And, yeah, she has her thing too and I have no interest in it.

I’m so sick of doctors of all stripes. They all have their box they want to put you in. Tired.

And yet they are the purveyors of what I determine I need right now. I cannot get IV nutrients anywhere else.

Oh, I also stepped on my headphone and broke them today. I taped them together and hope that will give them a second life, but haven’t tried them out yet. I break and drop stuff all the time.

I’m waiting for the day I drop my computer and break it. I’ve come so close so many times I figure it’s only a matter of time. It’s simply not stable on my lap and with my limited mobility I try to do stuff with it while it’s on my lap which I should not do but I don’t seem to stop doing.

I’ve become a major clutz…

7 thoughts on “Excuse my language

  1. Ethereal Highway – I’ve found that most dentists are full of sh*t too. One told my friend she had 2 cavities. Another one said she had 3. One said they were on the left side of her mouth, another said they were on the right. Hello??? Also, my dentist made me a bonding which fell off like a month later, and then had the nerve to recommend a veneer, which cost me another $500 and it was the wrong size, which is the EASIEST thing to get right (the color is the hard part). I really wish we could trust the health industry.

    Gianna – the 2nd you fly out, let me know and I’ll be there!! It will be cause for celebration!! (since you’ll be well enough to travel 🙂


  2. You’ve become a major Clutz? Considering all the D2/5HT2 readjustings your system has been poisoned into Over compensating for, it sounds like you’re On Schedule, and On the way home.

    Human Critters are actually quite good at repairing themselves, so long as you keep them Out of the Clutches of money grubbing, Ideating, Poisoning Quacks.


  3. I had all my dental amalgams removed, too. It was well worth the trouble and expense. I did a lot of research before going ahead with it, and I can offer you a piece of advice if you want it. It seems important to find a natural dentist who will not have a ‘problem’ with what you want to do. I spoke with many dentists before finding the right one and many of them were downright hostile when they found that I wanted to replace ‘perfectly good fillings’ because I did not want the mercury in my mouth. Then a recptionist (one dentist’s wife) explained to me that the position of the American Dental Association is that those fillings are not dangerous and member dentists can be ousted for ‘fear-mongering’ and getting patients to replace their mercury amalgam fillings. Seems the ADA is in such denial that they will let us lose our health before admitting that mistakes were made in the past. In other words — meet the new doc, same as the old doc. Unless you find a natural dentist. And when you do, make sure they are fully equipped to remove the mercury in a safe manner.

    I know it is done all the time, but it is not healthy to just drill into those things without taking precautions. Drilling them without following protective procedures (full draping, charcoal for the mouth, and a vacuum system with a hose next to the drilling) will only set it loose in the body and make things worse. My dentist had, besides all the other precautions, a special drill that cut pieces of the metal out of the larger fillings instead of having the whole thing be drill work.

    Good luck. I think you’re on the right track. I had terrible problems with UTIs, candida and arthritis. The conditions had become chronic (which aggratvated my anxiety). I also had chronic sinus infections and had suffering that way for years. I haven’t a sinus infection since the removal. That was several years ago. I have had only one UTI since then and the candida has been gone for a long time. The arthritis improved some within a few months of the removal, too. It improved much more after I processed some of the trauma I’ve been lugging around for so many years. I would almost go so far as to say I may be pretty much ‘cured’ of arthritis! Of course the amalgam removal and the trauma processing were part of a larger picture. I also quit the benzos, cleaned up my diet, started pro-biotics, installed my own water purification system on my property… I was in my early thirties when things took such a bad turn for my health. I was determined to fight to get it back. Life is so much better for me physically now. I still suffer from fatigue, but that has always been the case and I have had every test under the sun and there is ‘nothing wrong with me’. I think my energy is being diverted to maintain some dissociation to protect me from overwhelm. I still have a lot of trauma to deal with… I don’t know if I could face it at all if I was as ill as I once was. It was truly horrible. I understand, Gianna. Don’t give up. You are worth the fight.


    1. thanks EH…
      I have contacted an environmental dentist who specializes in such matters…you’re right it needs to be done right or you can be further intoxicated…

      I appreciate your sharing your story…many of us are able to overcome. It helps to hear it again and again…and I’m blessed to get that in the communities I’ve found and created online.


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