I feel compelled to write today about my experience. I don’t do that too often anymore as I have very little good to say. It’s not that I don’t think I’m progressing and moving forward, because I do think I am, but the degree of difficulty and suffering I’m experiencing as a result of the end of the detox is astonishing and it feels rather exhibitionist to speak of it too often.
People never want to believe I’m cognitively impaired and indeed most of the time you all see me or hear from me I am gathering all my strength and I present quite well, while in truth, most of the time I’m hardly functioning not just physically now but cognitively as well.
I’m continuing to produce this blog but my confession is that I read hardly anything I post. I have no concentration or focus. I can write little blurbs about stuff after I get the gist of it, or if I trust the source I just put it up. (As in guest submissions) My intuition is still serving me well so it seems to work out okay.
For the most part I have stopped reading other blogs as it takes all I have to produce this blog and having a sense that I’m still producing SOMETHING is important.
I hate the internet with a passion now and yet it is also the only thing that keeps me alive. How’s that for a conflict? Without this connection to human beings I would be left to stare at the wall. While I do spend many hours in meditation and silence I still feel a great need to be somehow engaged in the world. And so this is the only means for me to do that.
Detox at this stage by most accounts of anyone who has even close to a history like mine is the worst. And I can attest that for me too it is the worst.
Another thing that keeps me going is all the people who have passed this stage and talk about how relief does indeed come once the offending poisons are out of the body.
I want to give up every day. I want to die at least some of the time most days. I am oddly not at all suicidal, because, underneath those impulses there is still a well of strength, trust and god damn it, OPTIMISM. I stun myself. I cannot believe what I’ve learned to endure and most of the time I endure it without complaint.
It is literally impossible for me to truly imagine I won’t get better once the drug is out. In spite of feeling hopeless and miserable and wanting to die I have this strange undying certitude that it will get better. Where the fuck I get it I don’t know. Maybe it’s my brother helping me from the beyond. Years ago in the midst of one of my traumatic experiences with psychiatry while drugged out of my mind he told me he had never met someone so optimistic. I remember being stunned by that. And I’ve never forgotten that he said that. And perhaps it is his spirit now helping me. I love you dear Robert. Your saw my future in that moment, I think.
I haven’t spoken about my experience since I was still out of state at the detox center.
I have had lots and lots of tests. Blood, urine and saliva. I’m still in the midst of a month long collection for female hormones.
One thing that is very significant is very marked problems with my thyroid. This in some ways is a good thing because theoretically it can be treated and it causes fatigue and many of the other problems I’m displaying. What is distressing about this result is that I’ve discovered there is simply tons of controversy about how my particular thyroid issue should be handled and frankly I don’t have the clarity of mind or the cognition to do the study and research I need to do. I no longer have the strength to be my own advocate and so I’m scared. Perhaps in some days time I’ll be in better shape, but I’ve been consistently hugely fucked up for several weeks now.
My doctor also expects my urinalysis to come back with heavy metal toxicity. This is something very many of the pool of people/experts I consult with have been suggesting for a long time. This doctor I am working with now told me she would be surprised if it did not come back positive. This too holds promise as if I am toxic there is treatment to cleanse one from those toxins and they too all can be causative in what plagues me. Unfortunately she told me if the test doesn’t come back for positive for heavy metals she will have to go back to the drawing board to figure out what is wrong and perhaps suggest further testing.
In any case there are lots of questions and I am still waiting for information.
As is often the case when I am at my lowest the universe throws me a curve ball in the form of someone who reads me attacking me. I need to learn to let this go. I need to not let other people’s trauma and pain become mine.
I’m getting there. But it still never stops hurting.
I have to protect myself now more than ever so I don’t even read an email once I know it’s an attack. And I redirect that senders address to archives so I don’t need to see the venom. So if any of you feel like sending me hate mail, know that as soon as it become apparent it’s ugly I stop reading. I have to put my recovery above all else now. I don’t have energy to fight and so I don’t.
In this instance I have to say I’m terribly sorry this person is hurting. Really really sorry.
Oh! Lastly…a bit of good news. In spite of how sick I am in many ways, I’ve cured my endometriosis. I had some relief from the pain a while back with accupuncture, but when I became housebound could no longer get the accupuncture. At that point I was still fit enough to continue researching and I discovered Pine Bark. I have had two completely pain free periods since I started it.
To be clear it’s very unlikely it’s the Pine Bark alone that has cured the pain. My diet and nutritional regimen has all sorts of elements in support of treating my endometriosis. But this proved to be the final piece of that puzzle.
Also I got my adrenals checked and while I was in adrenal fatigue a year ago, treatment with a couple of different adaptogens (Ashwaganda and Eleuthero in this case) as well as cutting out caffeine has greatly improved their function. Unfortunately I don’t feel better for it. But still it shows that underneath the debilitation my body is healing.
It’s clear my body does respond to diet and nutrition and meditation. I’ve now cured my life long acute IBS, my psoriasis, my endometriosis and my adrenal functioning has greatly improved. It’s clear some healing is happening. Undeniable that healing is happening. The bad part is I want to get the hell out of bed and be out among real people and I still can’t do that. I am still for all practical purposes an invalid.
This strange world of disembodied cyber folks is a godsend and a curse. I want people I can touch and smell again.
Please pray for that for me. Please hope that I can soon leave you all and find my way in the world of human flesh. Please.
This has been written in a single draft and I’m going to hit publish now. I can’t put any more effort into it. Forgive whatever typos or errors are sure to be here.