No doubt the Lamictal withdrawal was from hell, but this benzo withdrawal is far far deeper into that realm. Yesterday I wrote this to my benzo friends. The only people I can speak this way to directly and assume I will be immediately understood.
I’m premenstrual and everything is amping up again.
I can’t even let my husband in the room right now. ALL MOVEMENT is too much. He leaned on the bed and I yelped…not knowing what the movement was…I’m swimming in derealization too.
I’m mostly curled in a ball in agony. The sensitivity so extreme I fear unexpected noises.
I’m feeling alone too…more than usual. I can’t go out EVER. It’s not a choice–I mean out of my yard…I talked about this in another thread…a few people clearly understood…but I always get despairing when people tell me they get it but they’re still out and about in the world. I CANNOT GO OUT…it’s so painful and lonely. I cannot talk to anyone most of the time. I cannot use my voice nor listen to others speak. I’m so lonely.
I’m also in excruciating pain today. My muscles are searing with pain.
Sometimes like this I really really don’t want to go on…
I know that this ugly deep dark valley will pass again…but I haven’t had a real window* in months so when I get in these hell places there is very little desire to keep going.
no I’m not thinking of ending it…only wishing it would end.
*window is a word commonly used in benzo circles to describe intermittent lifting of all symptoms so that one feels normal or almost normal for a time. During the recovery process often there are periods of time, sometimes hours, sometimes days or weeks in which symptoms lift for a bit and then return. Windows become more frequent when people come closer to complete recovery.
Sometimes I think I shouldn’t share this deep, dark crap in the open on this blog. But then I remember my first incarnation of this blog, three years ago on blogspot where I say I will document the whole thing that people might know the good and the bad. I made that vow to myself and my readers back then and so I am driven to keep it that others may find alternatives before they get to where I was on so many drugs for so long.
This is the sort of love and support freely offered on the benzo boards. I got many loving responses that made me cry. This one I want to share. As always I get permission before I post anyone’s comments to me:
You sweet wonderful person who amongst all your suffering reaches out to others. My eyes are full of tears, because everything you wrote expresses what I have gone through, especially not wanting to talk. Sometimes simply making words was too much. I had to work, but other than that I changed my life around so I wouldn’t have to go out. Withdrawal takes so much away. But I want you to know that is does get better. It is hard to believe sometimes, but as I was hanging on to my last withered thread, waiting to drop into non-existence, something grabbed hold of me and lifted me up. Where once I saw only despair, came some relief. It was very slow and very hard to overcome, but our bodies are amazing. There is no magic remedy to spare us this torture, only time. The hardest thing to do is to just wait it out. But you are so strong and you can do it. Look at what you have accomplished so far, so many medicines and you took a stand and said “No More” Keep saying that, tell the withdrawal it can’t have you, you will succeed. I know you will, because not long ago, I laid curled in that ball, I closed myself off from everyone. I gave up. Right now at this moment, I feel an end in sight. Phoenix explained it right that I focused on some bad symptoms, that I didn’t even know other bad ones left. Slowly slowly life fills our bodies once again. Your journey will be over one day too. These aren’t just words, because I know first hand how you feel, and I know first hand how it will change. These aren’t just words of hope, these are definite words of convictions. So, hang on, you are not alone, we are all here for you and you will shine one day all on your own. I pray for you from the bottom of my heart.
There is much evidence all around the benzo boards that I will, indeed, shine again as hundreds of others are healed and shining. This does pass as hard as it is to hang on…it will one day be a memory. Another person who shared in the above conversation told me that not only was she just as impaired as I am now but only a matter of months after being as impaired she traveled by air and hiked up a mountain! That is hard for me to conceive of, but what a beautiful picture.
The writing and sharing of my story continues to be part of my healing it seems. The fact that I know many read this blog and are perhaps helped and inspired keeps me going. So thank you for being out there reading this.