For those of you on the west coast I’m posting this just after midnight on the east coast, so today is Sunday.
My birthday is tomorrow. I have been pretty much crippled with pain and nausea the last few days. I have not been able to eat or spend anytime out of bed. Every time this happens I fear the end of my blog. But I do keep coming back and sometimes I have posts stored up, but again today, I’m all out. So I wonder where will the next posts come from?
I have very mixed feelings about my birthday. I had the very worst Christmas and New Years ever this holiday season. Both days I was extremely physically ill and then on New Years I had some sort of killer psychological reckoning to deal with as well as I noted that the last year was by far the worst and most painful of my life.
And so as my birthday approaches, I am afraid. I don’t want another “special day” to turn into a pain fest.
I’ve thought about going out to dinner. Having a cup of green tea, (essentially, as I’ve said many times, for me it’s like doing a line of coke) and just going out and having fun.
But then I think maybe it’s time to just let go. Truly surrender and acknowledge I cannot have a normal life right now and forcing normal things like going out to a restaurant may not be in my best interest at all.
For a long time I thought that forcing myself out was a way of not giving up, but now I see it may be a way of hurting myself more rather than accepting my very real limitations and embracing my limited experience which in reality is still a pretty awesome experience in that life is always awesome.
In many ways I have so much going on it’s unbelievable.
I’ve been interviewed on a radio program because of the work I do. Interviewed by a well-reputed journalist because of the life I’ve lived. I have this blog, the social network and now I have also applied for a part-time paid job editing the content of a recovery oriented organizations website. Granted I have no idea if I’ll get the job at this point but there is interest in me apparently.
In spite of my disability I am creating a rich life for myself. And perhaps I truly need to embrace the limits of this life which is some ways are boundless as the internet is boundless and the world so small as a result. I have made connections with advocates for radical reform in mental health throughout the whole world. All this is wonderful and life-affirming. So perhaps it’s time to deeply accept that at least for now my body cannot do other things I’d like it to do. And in spite of this I still am incredibly busy and productive. I imagine I work at least 30 hours a week. Perhaps more because I don’t take regular days off. The only days I take off are when I’m too sick to function.
I need to meditate on this for the next day and a half and perhaps I’ll stay home for my birthday and not tax my body with green tea and just have a ordinary day at home. Does that have to be so bad?
We’ll see how I feel on Monday.
I do have other things to share, but that will have to wait until I feel better. I’m sorry I am not as engaged on other blogs or in comments on this blog. Providing content for the main part of this blog has taken precedence.
I’ve irritated a few commenters lately because I don’t have the energy to engage in debate and for that I’m sorry, but then again not really so sorry. I do what I can. So deal with it!!