I’ve got so much chaotic agonizing pain in my body today I don’t know how I can or will articulate it, but I’m going to try.
Besides the usual physical discomforts I’ve become accustomed to living with I was harpooned yesterday with an emotional whammy. Being that I’m so physically delicate the enormity of this emotional trauma has sickened me profoundly. Albeit, I also did one of my Klonopin/Valium crossovers two days ago and that throws me for a loop in any case.
A dear, close friend, who I know in real life, whom I love and whom I actually share this psychiatric drug toxicity hell with, and I mean in it’s extreme nature, contacted me yesterday. I’ve said many times, I’m not representative of most people coming off drugs. Most people don’t get this sick and most people if it’s all done sanely, safely and responsibly can do it without the sorts of ramifications I’ve dealt with. I’ve simply been on more drugs, at higher doses, for longer than pretty much anyone who takes this on and on top of it among those who do manage after being on as long as I have, though they certainly struggle and have a hell of a time, most don’t get this physically debilitated. She and I have this extra sensitivity in common. We bonded over that and we happen to connect on all sorts of other levels as well.
And just in case anyone doubts that drug toxicity was her issue, she was hospitalized recently and even a psychiatric ward came to that conclusion!! That’s amazing. They witnessed what happened when they tried drugging her for several weeks and it was ugly and they luckily changed their tune with her which is incredibly unusual and they helped her continue withdrawing instead.
The thing is the hospital was still not a safe place. She witnessed her roommate being raped by a staff member and another patient stabbing herself in the stomach. She left that ward much sicker than when she went in. This is the reality about psych wards. They are toxic, torturous environments that create sickness. She was not mentally unwell when she went in. She was toxic on drugs. But when she came out she was mentally traumatized on top of her toxicity issues which have not been resolved.
Anyway, this friend was horribly traumatized by the time she was released and in terrible terrible pain which was not addressed at all by hospital staff. Rape and stabbings—why would anyone think to help someone process those things in a psychiatric ward?? I mean hell, psychiatric wards are for the mentally ill who have chemical imbalances. Talking about trauma and suffering and human pain has no place in a psychiatric ward…no, not at all. They took real good care of her attending only to her medication as usual. But of course she was discharged before anything was resolved. Also typical.
She does not in general read my blog, but I will be asking her permission before posting this.
Anyway, yesterday, she sent me a suicide note via email. She was saying goodbye and asking me to share her story as she no longer could fight the fight. For 3 hours I thought she was dead as I scrambled to contact anyone who might know where she was or be able to reach her. I lost touch with her when she was released from the hospital and didn’t have her number.
Anyway, I did find her and she is alive.
I’m fucked up.
That’s all I have to say now.