Suicidal ideation gone…for a long time now

extremepainSomething that comes up quite often in discussions with my friends and readers who have been on meds and have come off of them is how many of the “psychiatric” symptoms they were being “treated” for disappear upon discontinuation of the medications. This is widely known and experienced among those of us who have decided to stop medicating ourselves.

For me there are two most astonishing details. The first was when I discovered I was being given more and more Risperdal to medicate away the akathisia that the Risperdal was causing! Once off the Risperdal the akathisia was gone and so was most of what we’d called anxiety which led me to take massive doses of benzos.

This is tragic and disgusting. I have less anxiety now in the midst of an awful withdrawal then I had when I was on the six drugs. I’m on one drug now and withdrawal from benzos is infamous for causing horrible rebound anxiety and yet it’s not terribly true for me. I do occasionally suffer from anxiety but not to the extent I did when I was on my full cocktail, including when I was NOT on a stimulant.

And most remarkably since I got off the five other drugs–(Concerta, Zoloft, Seroquel, Risperdal, and Lamictal) and it did take getting off all five…I STOPPED HAVING ANY SUICIDAL IDEATION whatsoever.

I no longer EVER fantasize hurting myself. I do sometimes wish I would die when my body is hurting really bad. When I’m suffering from so much physical pain and I just want it too stop, but it’s a distinctly different phenomena than wanting to off myself.

Of note: I also had never had a suicidal thought before medications were introduced.

My desire to suicide while on meds was violent and ugly, fueled by akathisia and chemicals in my brain that did not belong there. My very occasional desire to die these days is simply a passive desire for the pain to stop. But my mind is clear and I know it will pass. I want to live! I have a renewed desire to live and be well and make a difference in the world, no matter how small.

Please share your stories.

32 thoughts on “Suicidal ideation gone…for a long time now

  1. Hi Gianna. I have enjoyed reading your blog and the progress you have been making. I too have had experience with psychiatric meds and am quite med sensitive.

    At one period of my life I was prescribed neuroleptic meds and went through the awful side effects. I now know I am allergic to All neuroleptics. I had the muscle rigidity, akathesia(worst for me), severe panic attacks/anxiety,tremors,low blood pressure, and a severe dystonic reaction after an awful hospitalization. I was given shots of Cogentin and several Xanax just to recover.

    I can take Klonopin or even Benadryl and I get tightness in my jaw and calves. I am even more sensitive to meds after taking those powerful drugs.

    I know people who take Benzos and neuroleptics on a daily basis and seem to handle them well. I don’t know how they do it. I am still experiencing some effects from the meds , especially rigid muscles which comes and goes.

    Anyway it is very concerning that most psychiatrists won’t tell you All the effects from these powerful meds. Thanks for letting me rant on here. Good luck.


  2. So much written here. It’s all true.
    What the drugs caused/how they made me feel.
    The psychiatrist kept saying he’d never heard of the problems I was reporting.
    Akathisia was the worst and I had no idea the pills I was taking caused it”’ I would jerk up and down in the bed and my limbs would spasm painfully.I had to put rolled up wash clothes in my hands at bed time so my fingers curling up wouldn’t cut into my skin. At this point I was one drugged out zombie.
    I will say getting Acute Pancreatitis from the Seroquel started me on the road to total drug detox.

    Keep on going.


  3. I have suffered from suicidal ideation since I was a child, but it’s much worse and more drastic (the ways to go) on the med cocktails.

    ( I cannot say anymore, it hurts to much to write and think about it).

    Love you Gianna.


  4. You won’t believe how much better you will feel with “life after the benzos” Gianna. I am sure glad to be done with all the pharmaceuticals. I just couldn’t believe how long it took me to feel social and normal again. It was sad really. Nothing like being at rock bottom and having drugs knock you down to an even lower level. I didn’t think that was possible but it sure made me feel like crap. I wonder how many people have comitted suicide while taking Lamictal. Most people I talk to that have taken it have felt that same low and as if things will never get better. I thank god that I made it through, unlike many others. It is truly amazing, the high that I feel in knowing that everything is going to be okay now. It took a long time to hit this point though.


  5. I guess I’m different. I started meds because I was suicidal and when I got them, they began to dissipate. But ideation can vary in strength depending on which dosage I’m at. We’ll see if it subsides for the most part once I’m off Lamictal.


    1. Doe,
      I’m very emotionally reactive right now…but that is a classic benzo withdrawal symptom…I trust it will pass but it sure as hell sucks…especially when I’m routinely attacked on this blog for daring to speak of this stuff.

      I can’t wait until that part goes away!! oh man, I really can’t wait.

      yeah, we’re definitely not all alike the tragedy lies in docs telling those of us who get worse from the drugs are just suffering from our “illness” and not iatrogenisis.


  6. “Suicidal thoughts can be very close emotionally to homicidal thoughts. It’s just that the destructiveness is contained inwards, probably as a subconscious act of benevolence towards society. “If I don’t kill myself, I could end up killing someone else”.”

    Sloopy, I so agree with everything you say here. And it reminds me of another effect of these drugs: reactivity and agressiveness seem to be increased. While most of my urges to harm have been aimed towards myself, while on SSRI’s I experienced at times strong urges to hurt other people (emotionally) when I felt hurt. Maybe this is more like the female version of the violence. Perhaps having less testosterone added to the equation helps it not escalate to the actual guns/shooting level. This urge to hurt when you feel you’ve been hurt is a normal urge to some degree, but my reactivity to perceived slights was increased on meds. Now that I’m nearly off prozac, I’ve noticed that I am calmer, less reactive, better able to manage my emotions. I don’t have the urge to lash out so much–I have a LOT more self control, and I’m generally calmer. If someone hurts my feelings, it just hurts, but I don’t immediately launch into defense missil mode. Man…it feels so much better, this calmness….and I’m starting to remember that this is how I used to feel, 15 or so years ago, before the drugs.


  7. Sloopy;

    The operative part of 48 School Shootings is that no matter How unpopular the shooters were, they did NOT go off until After being drugged.


    Tokkōtai pilot training, as described by Kasuga Takeo, generally “consisted of incredibly strenuous training, coupled with cruel and torturous corporal punishment as a daily routine.” Irokawa Daikichi, who trained at Tsuchiura Naval Air Base, recalled that he “was struck on the face so hard and frequently that [his] face was no longer recognizable.” He also wrote: “I was hit so hard that I could no longer see and fell on the floor. The minute I got up, I was hit again by a club so that I would confess.” This brutal “training” was justified by the idea that it would instill a “soldier’s fighting spirit.” However, daily beatings and corporal punishment eliminated patriotism among many pilots.

    The tokkōtai pilot’s manual also explained how a pilot may turn back if the pilot could not locate a target and that “[a pilot] should not waste [his] life lightly.” However, one pilot who continually came back to base was shot after his ninth return.

    In 2006, Watanabe Tsuneo, Editor-in-Chief of the Yomiuri Shimbun, criticized Japanese nationalists’ glorification of kamikaze attacks:

    “It’s all a lie that they left filled with braveness and joy, crying, ‘Long live the emperor!’ They were sheep at a slaughterhouse. Everybody was looking down and tottering. Some were unable to stand up and were carried and pushed into the plane by maintenance soldiers.”


  8. The last time I took a benzo (zyprexa, I think), prescribed to me by my pdoc a few months ago when I requested something I could take on an as-needed basis for insomnia, I woke up after only one hour with intense akathisia, the most horrible feeling. Eventually fell asleep again and this time slept for an abnormally long time, even for me. Rarely have nightmares, but had a very disturbing, graphic one that night. That whole next day, I felt suicidally depressed. And swore never to touch that stuff again!

    I also can report that a year ago, while still on seroquel and lamictal, I endured a series of major stressors (including losing my job within weeks of my dad dying) while living in an extremely unsupportive environment, and almost broke down. I came very close to hurting myself with a knife, something that’s never happened before or since. This spring, off seroquel for at least 6 months and in the final taper off lamictal, I faced a near equally distressing situation, and kept my cool for the most part. I certainly saw my physical health and cognitive function improve once my lamictal got down to a light dose. I’ve been off all meds for a month now, and the depression that remains is a natural result of recognizing the daunting task of rebuilding my life from scratch, after everything I’ve lost (jobs, friends, my own place, creative motivation) while dealing with the “side-“effects of pdrugs.

    My conclusion? The pdrugs amplify the very depression and anxiety that they were supposedly treating, while wreaking havoc on other areas of health. For me and many others at least. I’m wondering about the true figures for people who are genuinely helped by these meds?

    This week is the 6th anniversary of my one psychotic break (precipitated by a pdrug I took to help insomnia, after a couple of years on and one year off paxil) and the hospitalization where I was labelled “bipolar.” I am more convinced than ever that it was all a horrible mistake — even my pdoc agrees with me now that I was misdiagnosed — and that the underlying problems were from depression/anxiety due to repressed grief/identity crisis, combined with undetected food allergies and hypoglycemia. Basically. I may have a genetic predisposition to depression but since they can’t prove that yet, I’ll focus on the environmental and nutritional causes.


  9. Suicidal thoughts can be very close emotionally to homicidal thoughts. It’s just that the destructiveness is contained inwards, probably as a subconscious act of benevolence towards society. “If I don’t kill myself, I could end up killing someone else”.

    We find many examples where the two mental states are intertwined.. The so-called school shooters are an obvious example. Invariably they are high on cocktails of psychiatric drugs when they run amok, gunning down their schoolmates, before turning fire on themselves.

    Over the years, the Harvard-trained expert, Dr Peter Breggin MD, has authored many papers that document the undeniable role of psychiatric drugs in these outbursts of extreme violence towards society.

    Breggin has also served as an expert witness in many criminal trials. His evidence has been used to acquit, on the grounds of “diminished responsibility”, many of those charged with carrying out very violent criminal acts while under the influence of psychiatric drugs.

    I’ve often wondered about the stories of Japanese kamikazi fighter pilots, and the tales of their extraordinary if misplaced bravery. Did they ever exist or was it all just World War II folklore?

    And if was legend, to what end? Maybe to paint the Japanese as an insanely fearless race that needed to feel the wrath of the atomic bomb? It’s difficult to believe that anyone would sacrifice their life so consciously and so deliberately “for the greater good”, even if they had been exposed to heavy social conditioning.

    However, for those dosed up on psychotropics to the extent that “the balance of their minds were temporarily disturbed” (to use the words of the Coroner’s Court) – then anything seems possible.

    Maybe that’s the rationale in pumping psychiatric drugs into the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan? Maybe it’s a pharmacological programme to manufacture the modern day “Manchurian Candidate” for the battlefield? Bend the soldiers’ minds with psychotropics and turn them into zombie assassins who kill with neither hesitation nor conscience?

    That’s the sort of conspiracy theory that is levelled at the Tavistock Institute for Mental Health, a secretive psychiatric unit in London that was created way back in WWI as a military “mind-war” operation. It discretely carries on its work to this day, perfecting the Manchurian Candidate, allegedly.

    On that point, it’s interesting to note the “controversial” recent comments of Ahmadi-Nejad. He charges the West, and particularly London, of running a of Chaos Operation in south-west Asia.. of training suicide bombers, of funding and nurturing them… If that is true, what role psychiatry?


  10. Wow, this all makes me want to cry. Like, tears of relief (that I’m not the only one) but also grieving tears, for all of our suffering, at the hands of people who were supposed to care, supposed to help.

    I second whoever said that the people I know who are the WORST off are all on med cocktails… it never fails… and yeah, I want to shout it from the rooftops, I want them to HEAR us… but I really think they’re so self-deluded… will they listen?


  11. It started with anxiety and insomnia. I was given Ativan which helped a little. When sleep became worse I was diagnosed with depression and given Celexa – I started tremoring – diagnosed with agitated depression – more antidepressants – more tremoring and more agitation – antipsychotics added – I lost my sleep entirely – I could not sit or stand still – I started wailing – given Imovane for sleep and Imovane 3 times a day to keep the ‘agitated’ part of agitated depression under control.

    I was diagnosed with dementia!!!! I gave away all my belongings.

    In an eight-month period I was prescribed Ativan, Rivotril, Celexa, Xanax, Valium, Clonazepam, Propranolol, Imovane, Effexor, Lithium, Amitriptyline, Moclobemide, Nortripyline, Seroquel, Wellbutrin,Gabapentin, Luvox, Ritalin, Oxycontin, Nozinan, Paxil, Risperdal, Remeron, Trazodone, Zyprexa. Starnoc, Serzone, Zoloft – I might have missed some – most were prescribed by one psychiatrist – there was no wash-out period. I would have done anything/taken anything to stop the agitation.

    I was afraid I would commit suicide and I was afraid I wouldn’t. I was admitted to our local psychiatric facilty and forced to submit to 25 sessions of bilateral electroconvulsive therapy. I was discharged with a script for Nozinan and Imovane. Imovane (sleeping pill) was still to be used at night and during the day. I was told I would have to be on drugs for the rest of my life and because of my intolerance for antidepressants, I would require ongoing weekly ECT for maintenance. When I tried to refuse I was told I would deteriorate.

    When I was discharged from hospital my husband collapsed with heart failure – stress, guilt and grief. I missed an ECT, had one and then never went back. Psychiatrists kept up their fear mongering – I would be back where I was, if I didn’t have ECT and take medication. I then took Rivotril and Zoloft briefly and Ativan for much longer. Tapering off was horrendous – I did it by myself – unsupported – and with a sick husband to care for – it took a couple of years to taper off Ativan.

    What was wrong in the first place? – ignorance by psychiatrists of the adverse effects of pharmaceuticals – ignorance of akathisia! I had an astounding recovery. Hypoglycemia, a thyroid problem and spirochete encephalitis – were all diagnosed later by an holistic medical doctor and were the reasons for my insomnia!!!!!!!

    I take no drugs. I have lost 20 years of memory/memories as a result of the ECT. And I do have cognitive problems. And I have no tolerance for stress.

    One psychiatrrist has threatened me with libel, but I will write a book.

    Abram Hoffer – orthomolecular psychiatrist who died recently in his 92nd year – said in the last words of his last radio interview that all psychiatrists should be sent to Mars – they would be better off and we would be better off without them.

    All the best to you Gianna. I will write again.


  12. I share Gianna’s experience and that of many other previous commenters. I was put on Prozac at age 14 – became almost immediately suicidal. On Paxil, I became obsessed with knives. When I took myself off at 18, I never had the urge to cut or hurt myself again. Don’t get me wrong, I have my emotional struggles and sometimes quite extreme ones but suicidal thoughts have been few and far between, when on SSRIs they were constant. As someone who DID act on their suicidal impulses and came very close to dying once… I feel very grateful to have survived.


    1. thanks everyone for sharing your stories…I think this sort of thing needs to be talked about and shouted from the rooftops…

      I do think that both Marian and Mama Dharma pointed to something important—first Marian pointed out that people do indeed get suicidal without drugs and Mama pointed out that heavy duty emotional struggles are part of life…

      but the important thing is that all of us found that drugs made us worse…and that is something virtually all doctors are in denial about and it’s criminal.


  13. For sixteen years, I was on huge cocktails of the poisonous stuff. Lately, I was swallowing three Zyprexa pills every night at two bucks a pill. Over a decade I was drugged for six bucks a night. No wonder the economy has collapsed!

    Worse still, it was years before I even realised for suire that it was the Zyprexa making me suicidally sick. Of course, I wondered from time to time.. But when I hinted to my mad Dr Shrinkoff, he sneered in reply: “Of course not! It’s the illness, stupid!”

    I was so depressed from the Zyprexa I had to call The Samaritans’ Helpline several times a week. It was always in the early hours of the morning that I found myself in the depths of despair (shortly after the Zyprexa had kicked in, funnily enough..)

    I could probably use our telephone bills – and the calls I had made to The Samaritans to “prove” that it WAS the psychiatric drugs making me suicidal!

    Today, and I’m virtually off the drugs. And yet I can’t recall being suicidal for months or even years.

    No suicidal ideas now. None at all. I am just bitter these days. Bitter with the mindless rogues in psychiatry who got me in this mess. Bitter with the sticky-fingered Wall Street moneybags who run the drug industry. Bitter with the weasels in Government who watch idly as psycho-pharm wrecks our world.

    Psychiatry kept me as a mental slave, cocooned in a haze of drug-induced misery, throughout what should have been the best years of my life, and it did that for PROFIT!

    Big Pharma of today is an evil re-incarnation of the British East India Company, notorious for its toxic Opium Trade in the 19th century. The drug industry today is no different to the days of the British Empire.

    Different drugs maybe, and in sexy, shiny packaging – but it’s the same old trade, and I bet it’s the same oligarchic families who are running the trade from the shadows.

    I caught the headlines on the London newspapers. One listed all the psy-drugs that were whacked into poor old Michael Jackson in the hours leading up to his death. That man, one greatest entertainers of our time, was murdered – by the drug industry.

    And you know what I thought? If only people like Travolta and Cruise had taken Michael into the fold. He could have been saved him from the clutches of this killer drug industry.. The world is a poorer place without Jackson.. and the barons of big-pharma should take the rap for that.

    Jackson was another human sacrifice on the altar of Big Pharma.


  14. You sure got it on the drug money!!!

    I have so many stories I could tell. I carry not only my own experience but that of my mother. My sister called me yesterday and told me that mom is no longer mom. She’s been dx’d with brain atrophy for a few years and so we’ve been losing her slowly. Recently it has picked up, possibly due to oxygen deprivation that has probably been going on for a long time but only now got bad enough to show noticeable symptoms.

    But here is the rub–my mom had what they called back then a “depressive psychosis”. For most of my childhood my only real memories of her are of watching her in a drug induced stupor. This was the ’60’s and Thorazine was the great miracle drug. And the thinking was, if a little bit works then MORE can only work better!! Back in October I attended the Alternatives Conference and got talking to a man who is a sort-of movement historian. I wish I could remember his name–he was actually talking to people there for a book he was writing–intended for students–that would tell OUR stories. If anyone does know his name I would be happy for a reminder.

    I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life and have been working it through for many years. I won’t go into great detail about my history right now except to say that in dealing with all of the repressed memory shit and all of the abuse I never, until that day last October, was able to see how the psychiatric system traumatized me from so very early on through what those people did to my mother. I never realized until that day how angry I was and what a grievous wound I suffered through them taking her away from me. Through the years, in ignorance, I blamed her for leaving me–I’m 49 years old now and finally I can see that she was taken from me, she didn’t want to leave me.

    They let her wake up by the time I reached my teens but my every instinct in me said ‘this is NOT my mother!!” They had turned her into something else–a small, frightened creature, ready to break open like an egg dropped to the floor. NOT the mother who sang and laughed and made me grilled cheese and tomato soup for special lunches together just us before I was old enough for kindergarten. No, this was an imposter who emerged from that years long drug induced sleep.

    Eventually I cut off all communication with my family–I was trying to deal with my own trauma (largely caused by my father) and things were just too toxic–I could not be around them without hating myself. Six years ago my father died. At that point communication began again and I was able to make some peace with my mom.

    Which brings us back to the beginning. I found out something else at that conference. Thorazine causes brain atrophy. They are taking her away again and I have no more control over it now than I did at age 8. It hurts so much I don’t even know how to describe it. I know this is supposed to be a discussion about suicide (and I could add to it)–but what about HOMICIDE!!! They killed my mother once and now they are killing her again.

    I’ve been on a strange journey since that experience in October–one which has included my working to get myself off those evil chemicals. I won’t ever say that anyone in this world should not have a choice about taking them (but the drug companies and the psychiatrists MUST be made to be honest about what this stuff does!!! And held responsible for their actions.)

    That’s all I can say–my own experience. It is very close to me right now because she is moving away from us faster and faster and soon she will be gone. I don’t know what to do except to tell you people, who might understand that this hurts so much!!!

    Thanks for reading this–sorry for going off-topic Gianna.


  15. It makes me sick every time I read that they’re giving children these poisons and then blaming their “disease” for them trying to kill themselves. And I’m glad you’re feeling better.


  16. I never got around to PLANNING a suicide. I got depressed enough that I would THINK about it… but worked up a list of who it would hurt if I did, about 6 items. The one time I was hospitalized, I surprised myself by finding myself already at Item #4 with no recollection of going through 1-3…. still, I was not a DANGER to myself, just SCARED myself.


  17. “underlying illness?”

    How many Psych papers have you read claiming that schizophrenics probably were Possibly, Theoretically, Hypothetically, COI-ed, More Diabetic than non-Schizophrenics because of their Underlying Illness?

    “Seroquel is a substantial factor in diabetes and weight gain,” Marks said, noting the 389 percent rise.

    The Medwatch Adverse Reports from psychdrugdangers have 21 of 23 meds down as the “Primary Suspect Drug” Responsible for Schizophrenia. The same Data has all 23 of them down for Completed Suicides with Paxil leading at 841 cases, and those are just the ones that Get Reported. There’s only 2 possible explanations.

    1: Too stupid to be Doctors.
    2: There’s Way too much drug money underLYING the issue.


  18. The first time I was put on a psychiatric drug was in my late teens. It was an antidepressant. I went to my Dr. for overwhelming anxiety. It was due to repressed memories resurfacing, though I was not aware that was the reason until a few years later.

    Long story short, I was prescribed an antidepressant because I was crying. Of course, my crying was seen as a symptom of depression. I was too young, trusting, and bewildered to think otherwise. Anyway, the first day I was numbed. The second day I had profound suicidal urges. I stopped taking it the third day due to those urges which I was thankfully able to discern as foreign. I didn’t have anxiety again until the memory I mentioned previously revealed itself fully.

    Before the antidepressant, and after the antidepressant, i did not have one SI.

    The second time I was put on pmeds was when in my mid twenties. This was when the memory of abuse became concrete and real. This time, I could identify it with my feelings of powerlessness and anxiety. I should have just had talk therapy, but I was put on benzos…they sufficiently numbed my feelings until I was ready to process the abuse. I experienced SI while on benzos, and also during withdrawal. I should make clear that despite experiencing deep despair over what I had come to recognize as severe abuse, I had not once thought about harming myself before taking the drugs. I just wanted/needed someone non-threatening to listen to me, to be a witness to my suffering.

    Without getting into too much detail, I was put on another round of pmeds due to extreme levels of trauma in a short period of time years later. This time there were mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, etc. Again, before the drugs no SI; while using I experienced chronic self-loathing but not SI (perhaps because I was too numb), but upon withdrawing, I did.

    I should also note that until I found this website I would not have connected my destructive feelings with the drugs, though it it plain to see that it is the case in my situation. Without the drugs, I am able to assess clearly and with passion, my mental environment. I regret becoming medicated the last time in hindsight. I acquiesced because I thought I had an illness, and it was ‘recurring’. I challenge that assumption now with vigor as I can now see that I was just a human being who needed love and support during traumatic periods in my life.


  19. Just taking the pills made me want to die. I was a defective person. My doctor called this the corresponding “depression”. Abilify slowed me down and made all my thoughts sluggish. Took away all that special creativity. I didn’t see any way out. I went to work, crying every morning, and wished for death. The doctor said, “It’s clear to me that the drugs are beneficial to you.” (It wasn’t clear to ME). Luckily I never really got nto the depression or suicidal thoughts I was having, because I knew he would just half-hazardly add more drugs.

    Why were you on Concerta??? Was it supposedly to perk you up from the MASSIVE amounts of tranquilizers they put you on? How can they possibly think they’re helping people? And how do so many people buy into the help?


  20. I doubt, there’s as much as one single human being, who hasn’t or won’t at some point in their lives think of suicide as a possible solution to a difficult situation. And if the situation just becomes dire enough, the “suicidal ideation” will become accordingly urgent, possibly resulting in (a) suicide (attempt). Seems only natural to me.

    Just as any other “symptom” of “mental illness” seems only a natural response to life circumstances to me.

    That which definitely doesn’t seem only natural to me is people who obviously are stuck with ever worsening symptoms because of obvious and increasing intoxication with mind-altering drugs, they are made believe, they’d need ever greater amounts of to keep their symptoms at bay. – And in this case, we’re talking real symptoms, signs of a chemical intoxication of the body, the brain, rather than of existential crisis.

    Take “psychosis” for instance. Without drugs acute “psychosis” usually lasts for about six weeks. The amount of time, one’s mind needs to figure how to deal with certain challenges in life. And yes, of course you risk to relapse, or in some cases maybe even to get stuck in “psychosis” itself, when you don’t get any support whatsoever. Nevertheless, the vast majority of people I know, who complain about ongoing “symptoms” are in fact on drugs. Often on a whole cocktail of them. Looking back, yes, I’ve had a somewhat “interesting” life, a lot of suffering, anxiety, confusion, “suicidal ideation”, somewhat strange experiences (“hallucinations”, “delusions”), and an overall perception of living in a dream that at times became a nightmare, and that I just couldn’t make myself wake up from, no matter how hard I tried.

    Would I’ve wanted to change places with anyone who got “help” from the mh system? Geez no!!! To be honest, I wouldn’t even want to change place with anyone, who lives what is called a “normal life”. Not today, looking back, at least. As far as existential problems/crises are concerned it usually applies that “this too shall pass”. Not so when it comes to chemical intoxication that then is “treated” with more and more chemical toxins.


  21. Gianna and Susan, count me in the suicidal ideation caused by medication group. For the first time with cymbalta when I started it in 2005…I am so grateful for the online withdrawal and recovery community, which remains my strongest, most consistent source of support and inspiration for continuing my crawling taper off this shit.

    Love and respect,


  22. Thanks for sharing this, Gianna. You made me realize that wow….now that I’m withdrawing from prozac and only on 5mgs…I am having less and less suicidal thoughts. I can’t really even remember the last time I had them. I used to deal with them regularly (and never did before I was on medication). The worst offender was topomax, which gave me bizarre violent thoughts (like the image of sticking my tongue in a blender–WTF???!!), and also some of the mood stabilizers and antipsychotic gave me the akathisia you speak of, the feeing of not being able to stand being in your own skin–which if that doesn’t make you feel suicidal (read “I can’t take this!”) than I don’t know what will!

    But…now that I am on less drug than ever in 15 years, even in acute withdrawal…I hardly ever have the suicidal thoughts anymore!

    I feel so bad for people who felt (as I did) that they were getting crazier and didn’t know it was the meds that were making them feel that way. And I feel so, so grateful to have stumbled upon the truth.


    1. thank YOU Doe!

      we need to make this known and the more people who speak up the better…like I said I hear it again and again.

      topomax made me totally wacky…beyond a doubt it was the drug…the other stuff the docs made me believe it was me…but yeah topomax was an ugly ugly trip…so was prozac strangely enough…I “tolerated” the other SSRIs.

      too many of us don’t know it’s the drugs making us worse as you state, it’s very sad.


  23. Totally agree. Feel so bad for people on meds that don’t work for them but they take it to be compliant. Meds are expensive, if they don’t work then why take them. It’s better to use the copay money to go to the movie, go dining with a friend, donate to charity, etc.


  24. Gianna,
    I, too, never had suicidal thoughts before taking medication, although I never acted upon them nor did they cause violent behavior as I’ve learned they do for some people.

    For me, the very worst drug for suicidal ideation was Geodon. And when a friend’s son started taking it and began walking around the house waving a knife and threatening to kill himself, I was able to tell her the drug probably was the causal factor. So they immediately took him off it, and the symptom disappeared.

    What astounded me about that situation was the young man’s psychiatrist prescribed it without seeming to know anything about the behavioral changes it might cause.

    I guess that shouldn’t have surprised me because most of my psychiatrists said my response to medication was unique. Of course, years later with the advent of the Internet, it turned out that either they were lying or just dangerously misinformed.



    1. thanks Susan,
      I never acted on my impulses either, but they were at times awful and intrusive and made me deeply miserable.

      It’s unfortunately not terribly unique as I’ve found out in the circles I hang out in…there are most likely hundreds of thousands of us, but most of us are led to believe it’s our “underlying illness.” I didn’t doubt that for over a decade.

      thanks for sharing your story.


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